Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Lack of Traffic

Alright, I'm not doing this for my health. I expect to see people's comments and praise for my work just as I had envisioned after my trip down a flight of stairs. I'm listening to Elvis 30 #1s, and staring at a snow white eMac, with my iBook off to the side, and I'm beginning to wonder where all you aHoles are out on the Interwebz...

I said to myself, "Self... do this for the good of the community, and there's no doubt that you will be showered with much appreciation and affection from the general public, of which you both don't know but know everything about". Fair enough I thought.

Obviously, you've all been off performing your sick boring day in / day out / day old jobs, and not enjoying life as you would if you were sitting at your badass Windows XP machines reading my all powerful blog. That's ok though, I understand. You want Vista. You want 'The Wow', and you want it to 'Start Now'... Let me know which version and I'll let Billy Gates hear your prayers. I can't get you Ultimate though... The folks at Redmond say that the Ultimate Vista would give me too much power and I may ultimately overthrow the leaders at Wal*Mart and turn it into a dark empire or something...

No but seriously, we're hiring for the holiday season. Please send me your applications, social security numbers, substantial amounts of money and / or small children capable of heavy lifting, and I will be sure to get back to you. E-Mail address is provided, um, somewhere. Well it's Skippy.Thorson at-so spammers don't rape my inbox-gmail.com... Seriously, hit me up holmes. We'll spread the love and all that crap like it's the 60's again.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Come on poor, donate to the rich

I've heard about some way to to donate to all of those people that have lost their homes or had to endure hardship due to the California wildfires... all those rich people that lost crap.

Kiss my ass rich people.

I have to say one thing. You basically just got served. You people whine and bitch about deforestation, and then turn right around and build a 6.2 million dollar 34 acre mansion on what used to be protected wetlands until you got the protection lifted because you know the Governator, then you get a priest to come bless your house, so you can look forward to a weekend of shopping for those seal skin boots you've been longing for.


I like Green Day as much as the next guy, but partnering with NRDC is a waste of time, just as much as the Greenpeace parody of Apple.com. Five people try to get things done, and five hundred go against it and hunt bald eagles to stuff for their children. One difference through, no one cares about Greenpeace, probably because they're iFailures, therefore they iLose. iWhoops.

Image and story here at BBC News.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Awakenings: VistaBox

So, yesterday, not only did I end up getting my Vista powered HP to well, come alive, I learned that Vista (so far) isn't the crackpot OS that it's made out to be. I found myself getting lost in the realm of Windows. I was more productive in the course of 4 hours last night with Vista than I was the entire first week I started with XP.

From 1999 to June of last year, I had been living with Windows 98 on an IBM machine, with my condolences going out to Steve Jobs for my actions. I then jumped right into the new land of the Windows eXPerience. So much for that. It was a Gateway. When will people learn. Make something perfect or dont make it at all. To quote one of my favorite education packed PS2 games, "if you can't take the heat, get out of the nuclear reactor."

Fuck 'em. I went on ebay and picked up a G4 Apple iBook. I've yet to have any problems with my year and a half old used laptop, yet a brand new Gateway fries the motherboard and takes the processor down with it. Yeah, I know, computers suck, and blah, blah, blah... Whatev's home slice.

I get this HP. It has Vistard. Ok. I can live with that. If you don't hold the Windows and E keys, you shouldn't have any problems. Oh, and AIM put a color change feature in so that you can blend it's windows in with the Vista black and blue theme. Another feature I liked from AIM, is that it locks to the side of the screen - and it blocks out Yahoo Widgets, I mean "Gadgets" very nicely.

It's good stuff once it actually starts up. I have one gripe though, and I send this with sweaty fat ass love to Mr Billy Gates.

The next time you tackle a new operating system, try to copy OS X a little better. You missed a few things.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Weekend Over, Back to Work

So this was my weekend in a nutshell. Friday evening I stayed in and watched some high quality television shopping. My fellow humanites, that is a relaxing time. Sit back on your reclining couch and suck back a bottle of Pepsi Summer Mix that you found still lingering around your local Walmart, and you have no worries. Let the nieghborhood kids rip up your begonias. Who cares. You're an American.

I followed that up on Saturday with a supposedly hellistic ritualistic tradition that involves turning a harmless orange vegetable into an evil glowing child of the night. Why? Well, it's because I'm full of fucking seasonal spirit, that's why, and if anyone tries to tell me I'm not, I'll back it up by building you a haunted house out in some old barn in the boonies. I'll get Charles Manson to come up and play the Wolfman. I swear to god I will.

Sunday I got up to a glorious day, knowing that soon I would be going to the Apple Store in my nearby Carousel Mall, and I would be coming home with a new Hewlett-Packard tower, naturally joined with the new excting Windows Vista. (Go figure.) they keep their Apple Stores clean and polished. Upon closing time, I discovered that all of the iEmployees wipe down everything in the store. Nice. That is the way to be. No one wants a 30 inch cinema display with dust on it. I want it prestine, and they knew that. Great bunch of upper class folks.

My VistaBox is sitting in my living room. I'll let you in on The Wow when I get it optimized for an additional fee. Word. Peace out holmes.

Friday, October 19, 2007

To Be Skippy Thorson

Let's be honest with ourselves, after all, this is a place where the true inner being comes out in all of us. It's about who you are now and who you one day could be. I am Skippy Thorson, and I am me. If you ever find yourself between a rock and a hard place, I suggest you leave the Grand Canon, and come here, to me. I know what a human being needs, and I can be the great provider. Perhaps not as great as Bono, but close.

I am the greatest Nascar driver online that you will ever see. Whether it's the winding road course of Watkins glen or going 200mph at Talladega. I will shut you down. Ricky Bobby is nothing to me. I know what it takes to be a winner, I swear to god I do. See here. Maybe you can learn something from me.

Soon I shall change your life. This is more than racing cars and a pack of suds. I can teach you what you've all been wanting to learn. How to live.