Thursday, November 29, 2007

Grab your children, quick. If you have any.

Does your child, cousin, niece, nephew, or anyone you know have a childhood toy named after a religious figure?

If so, then you could be at risk of 40 lashes, prison time, or death.

I'm sorry if that news is shocking or may scare you, but sometimes, truth can be frightening. Ok, I made that last part up about death, but can you honestly say you would have taken that as seriously if that weren't added? Me neither.

Evidently, some teacher-woman, somewhere, (I guess, according to the BBC, the Today show, and here, the New York Post) had a kid in her class who had a stuffed bear. Like most children of, oh, planet earth. You know what I'm getting at. You're probably thinking though, that the bear was named Jesus, or Holy Ghost. Nope.

Muhammad. Mr. Islam himself. The one and only query of the Qur'an.

Sounds like the perfect name for a childhood friend, right? If you were thinking yes, you could be at risk of the above bold statement - minus the death part. Look, I know we're all sue happy, and looking to make a dollar, and if we aren't as politically correct as Hillary Clinton, we just genuinely aren't good people. I never though that the day would come that we really need to worry about if our child's stuffed animal is named Mr Biggelsworth, or Allah...

What's next, an epidemic where it's not even safe to eat spinach?


Aw crap.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

How to make do


I just had this deep meaningful discussion with some guy about how, for one reason or another, he didn't know what a homicide was. Then he goes on to tell me that he was once involved in the Philadelphia legal system. There's some good news. No wonder we're all going to hell in a hand basket.

Well. This morning. I had an epiphany. Much like when I thought I was within 2 degrees of Bono on the JobsBlog. However I was let down with that one. No Bono. However, I now feel a connection with the one and only Matt Lauer. That's right. Today show leader, the one next to Al Roker. River Dancing Matt. Yes. Him.

He presented me with some glorious info this morning. No, not to call 1-866-411-SONG when I have a tune in my head I don't know the lyrics to, but instead, how to profit from my online time of posting to this uniquely one of a kind blog of wonder that will one day be the home page to about 1.2 million Americans that find their way to the InterWeb. All I have to do is finally use some of my ins that I have with planet earth, pull some strings here and their, suck back a few Chai Lattes, and watch as the $$ and Bling (so to speak) rolls in.

I will once again turn to my buddies over at the wildly amazing Google, and perhaps the great folks that run my city, and I'll end up employing myself. What do I buy anyway? Hot pockets? Ramen? Pepsi Summer Mix on backorder? Once in a while I splurge and swap the latter out with Coke Blak, but honestly. I don't need to be rich. Just pay a few bills here and there, pick up a 2008 Dodge Challenger next year (in hemi orange) and start buying up all of the G4 Sunflower-esque iMacs that I can find. No luxuries, nothing that I don't absolutely and positively need. Just the important stuff. You understand.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that it all comes out of New York tax dollars. I knew you'd be ok with it.

Monday, November 26, 2007

No money, no iPhone

For some reason I still can't find a job. Nowhere.

This city, is so full of places needing work, and places to spend said cash, that how could I not find work somewhere? Unreal. I can't make donuts for our local officers of the law, I can't make pizzas for our local cheap people, and I also can't even slice deli meats.

I know the knife is sharp, but may I remind you it's attached to a counter.

I can't even stock Wal-Mart trucks. What is that? I'm being shunned by Mr. Sam Walton? The man whom I've been nothing if not loyal to whenever I head off to a store in search of everyday low prices.

Oh, America. Land of the Half-A-Grand-Phone. How I long to operate your touch screen with my tongue. You know Gene Simmons probably thinks of that.

Oh. I'm sorry to report to you all, that Sir Bono on the Fake Steve blog, wasn't even a Fake Bono. As FSJ tells it, it wasn't even him or even still, it wasn't authorized by him. I love Bono as much as the next Irishman, but holy Jesus. Don't be him. There is one Bono. One Oprah, one Tom Cruise, one Dave Thomas, one Bono. Not two, not a mini-Bono, not a Bono-clone, not Bono Jr.

As exciting as a dual-Bono tour may be... Could you imagine that? It's like two Lynyrd Skynyrds going on tour with the same name.


Wait. They did that already? Crap.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Mr Africa himself? No not Oprah.

Some big shit is going down in the JobsBlog thanks to the U fucking 2 frontman. (Or someone that desperately wants to be him.) Apparently, Bono (yes, that Bono) is posting (as himself) on the Fake Steve Jobs blog. Now, let me try to figure this out. You would go to a blog that is one giant parody, and try to preach whatever you want as truth? I doesn't work like that.

Still, it's slightly amusing.

His preaching of a Product Red GodPhone has half of the internet abuzz with the glory and braging rights that can only come with owning this handheld piece of history.

Imagine it. Really. Walking by holding a 3.5 inch screen with the ability to watch a cult of high school children drop their jaws to the floor just because you're downloading the remix of A Little Less Conversation directly to a device you shelled out a half a grand for just months earlier while they were asleep in their mothers basement the morning you were in line at your local AT&T store. Unless you were someone like this who happened to oversleep so much that after two days of wetting yourself, you didn't even make it into the store because of the the previous night's encounter with Jim Bean, Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan.

Could this be true? After all, there have been rumors about a Deep Red iPhone being shipped to AT&T sometime before the holidays. I know one person with iPod-Wifi-Phone. I know enough not to go out and buy the Voyager. I know how I want to order my tomato pie - via a touch screen with tons of pretty little touch button things. Why? Well, because I'm an american, and why shouldn't I shell out half a grand for a cell phone?

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Double the Fridays?

Wal-Mart is apparently so high and mighty, that they've requested that Black Friday be 2 days long. Meaning Saturday would turn into another Friday.


Tom Park of Fucillo's Auto Shitplex wants to work his magic too. He's gonna call Friday, Green Friday. Why? Who knows. He doesn't. I don't either. Why not just carry on daily life without trying to change the days of the week just to get off on the "look ma', I played God" feeling. For the life of me, I don't understand.

Wal-Mart, why have you forsaken me? With your mothering employees, high quality products, and every day low prices, all I have to ask you is why? Can't we maybe think of something more important, like the task at hand? Which would be to sell as many Wal-Mart brand deli meats and baked goods as possible.

I'm going to be off on holiday for the Thanksgiving weekend. Thursday is my tryptophan binge, Friday is the day in which I get to wake up at 3 am to go shopping and leagally deck anyone who steps in my path regardless of race, sex or age. Pray to whatever God you see fancy that your first grader doesn't try to snatch up a Taylor Swift cd that happens to be right in my way of Garth Brooks, because so help me, I will roundhouse kick their head from their shoulders.

On that note, enjoy your holiday, and I'll see you bright and early in electronics on Friday! In advance, if I accidentally deck you, keep in mind I know Louis T Brindisi personally, and I'll claim whiplash as I sit in court in my red Budweiser #8 Hoveround.

God's speed to you and yours.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Holy Tired

I was so busy last night, you just couldn't believe it.

No not like that. Sometimes I think a lot of people need enemas to find their heads again.

So many people come to me for help, and it's ok. I don't mind it. I'm honored that in your time of idiocy you think of coming to me in your brief moment of glimmering bumbling brilliance. Please though, don't do it at any time after 10:30 pm. That's just disgusting. That's my time to sleep, relax, regain my composure and make sure I know who and where I am at all times.

It's now just 12 hours past that time, and we have a problem. I need like, 23 hours of sleep per day to function. I normally only get 6. Most people waste a third of their life sleeping. I only waste 25%. It makes me think of wasting more, and how nice that sounds.

Wasn't sleeping proved dangerous in a recent case study or some bullshit like that?

Sort of like on the Today show where I was raped. Audibly. Unwanted information was thrust forth into my ears. Crap that I didn't care about for once. It was something about if we stuff our faces at Thanksgiving with the average 5000 calories that each American consumes, we're more likely to die a tragic horrible gravy-induced death than say those across the pond that have Scones and Breakfast Tea.

I don't know. I think I'm going to be off to sleep. Or something. Sometime. Word holmes. Keep it real. Whatever those kids say nowadays.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Holy Crap

I never realized how much I liked Apple computers. I own an iBook G4, and it's amazing, I own two iPods, which are also amazing. I've also gone as far as making my XP look like OS 10.4, until it died that is. (Doing that to Vista would be pointless.) Some things just can't handle such superiority.

My friends, I never realized what an amazing work of art that the iMac G4 was. Can you see that picture?

Apparently a local elementary school was just handing out Apple computers. No idea why. The three music teachers at our local high school ended up getting eMacs. In addition, one of them got that iMac. Upon seeing it, I was once again blasted by child-like wonder. It was inspired by a sunflower. What else do you need?

Steve Jobs. You have a way with silicon. Not in the Dr. 90210 way though. In the tech-artist sort of way. Great stuff. Maybe outdated by 2 models, but who cares?

I want one.

Wow. Not the Vista wow either. The holy crap I want one wow.

Feel free to send me one. Complete with Pro Keyboard and Mighty Mouse.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

See what I mean?

Even the heads at NBC are listening to Skippy Thorson. For good reason. The Brian Williams episode of SNL was brought back for tonight.

Oh, yeah, and it's on now. See? So do you believe me? I am the power. Gotta love it.

Thanks NBC. I owe you one. Really I do. I just put it in iCal. (December 25th NBC - Owe them one) It may be something like a select few of the big wigs receiving a limited edition Skippy Thorson Travel Mug.

Maybe like a bumper sticker? Not sure yet. Possibly a Pyramid Gift Certificate only redeemable at Sangertown Mall in New Hartford New York.

That sounded too much like an advertisement. Plus that place sucks. I won't waste your time. Travel mugs it is. You're welcome.

I just remembered...

SNL not only got the "bring back brian" idea from this blog entry, they also used this picture from this entry for their introductions... I'm honored for it though. I am. Someone recognized me. Took long enough. So thanks again NBC. Travel mugs are on the way.


You know you've hit it big when your blog is the result that comes up when you type in my name on Google, and hit that glorious "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. You also confirm it further when my blog is #1 on their search of me. For that, I offer Google an Amen.

Go on. Do it. Just a test. I was amused, I'm sure you will be too. Think of it as my spontaneous afternoon gift to you, because you're all so deserving. Really. You are. As far as I know anyhow...

Just take it while it's there for the taking. Who knows how many people are going to try and copy or even be me in some online forum. I may even be kicked off Google's top spot on their normal search thanks to some kid out in the middle of NYC that has nothing else better to do than try and be someone else.

Who am I kidding, the folks at Google wouldn't do that to me. They love me there, tell me I get them through the day. Can't say I blame them. Look at all I have to offer! How could you not want some of this?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Not the brightest knife in the shed

Some people just have know idea what they want to do with their lives. Some want to be officers of the law, others just want to be me. While the second is impossible, there are other things you can strive for in your life. Just don't expect too much. The more you expect, the harder you're let down when you fail miserably and then blame yourself, which you rightly should.

That's ok. I forgive you though.

Anyway, the Interweb can be an interesting place. Yes, I know. A lot of people can't be trusted. Like the ones that lie about themselves and half of the crap they do, or then there are those that have no lives so they make an online alter-ego for some unknown sick reason, or there are even people that use the internet just so they can hope to meet 14 year old kids, but that's why we have this man to keep us all safe.

There are however those like me. The elite. The higher mind. The power. Then there are some that don't get that. When I tell you not to touch the hot stove, that means if I see you near it, I'm going to beat you with copper electrical wire. Are we clear?

I just figured this would be the opportune time to let you know where I stand. Why did I bring this up just now? Come on, you can't guess? What else is the basis to everything I ever do? No, surprisingly not Steve Jobs. Close.

Apple Inc. That's what. Ok, and Steve Jobs. Come on though, have you ever talked to the man? Pure genius. David Pogue knows what I'm talking about. By the way, yeah, he's right up there on the Jobsian level.

Now, when I tell you that Apple Computers are great and amazing and the shit and all that hip jive talk, do you think I'm feeding you bull, or joking? Do I joke? I don't joke. If you think I am, then you're funnier than you know. I thought I liked Vista. Then I knew that I didn't. See? Simple as that.

My point tis evening kids, believe what I say. Don't go against someone when it involves something you have no comprehension of.

There's not a whole hell of a lot of forgiveness I can offer for that. Idiocy is worth about 72 cents. Which won't get you a McDonald's Snack Wrap. Which means that you must have just hit rock bottom in new levels of low. Look on the bright side. If you were a goldfish, none of that would matter.

See, you'll be fine.

If you don't fail.

So don't do it.


As in don't fail.

Even though you probably will.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Spreading the iPod Love

This is how planet earth is. You know you're a genius when you can have groups of your friends want an iPod after telling them day in and day out about how great they are and how much better they're lives would be if they had one. I've gotten 2 people to directly go out and buy iPod Nanos. One tricks his out with any glorious accessory that fits his love child, and the other went out to the Apple Store just to get the Product Red version. Now, someone else wants the new 3rd gen Nano. The love spreads. I told you all the 60's would be right back!

Now it's not even stopping there. My business partner Joe has an iPhone. Fucking loves the thing. He gives free demos when anyone asks about it like he works for Apple already. Which, ok, we basically do, Steve Jobs just doesn't know it yet. You see, he now has 2 other people planning on buying it in the near future, and dozens upon dozens of others that can only drool over it... because I guess they can't even use iTunes with their VistaBoxes. Go figure. Thanks to Gizmodo warning all of those I haven't reached yet through my extensive grasp. Reason #2 why I don't own an iBrick, #1 being that I used iTunes to sync to my iPod only once. So I could update it. Finally.

Oh, yes, details you ask? Sure. It's a 30 gb 5.5 gen. Oh, and yes, it's snow white.

What does Vistard do for me instead, to ease my frustrations? It tells me I can no longer watch Pirates of Silicon Valley on my snow white iPod, because the file wasn't... I don't even know. It wasn't perfect I guess. A bit picky aren't we Mr. Gates? My question of the week. Will Vista ever get out of it's seemingly permanent beta stage?

I can't wait to claim former Vista user status.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Back In Action

Well, you see... I've been off busy for this past week. Business trips. Horrible things. Don't trust flight attendants either. Those little bags of lightly salted slightly toasted delightfully roasted peanuts... suck. Big time. I'm talking more than Edward Hanna in Mayoral office.

You know what's hard? Going to school, and raising a city. I'll tell you that much. I have to get out, and see all those wonderful folks on the campaign trail for things like Mayor... and who cares what else. Upside I get to see people like this who entirely amuse me and ultimately make my day much brighter than it would have been previously, due to the rays of the Utica sun bouncing off of the forehead of politics. Or Tim Julian. Whatever.

I have noticed one thing. No, not that I'm feeling oddly political today, but that for some reason, people outside the city feel the compulsive urge to comment on issues in my city. Yes. My. Fucking. Everloving. City. I don't get it. I don't. What the hell is wrong with them. How dare they comment on my city. It's perfect as is. Minus the imperfections.

So what if I'm surrounded by people who don't speak my language? It's entertaining when they ask for something and suddenly and miraculously know every word in the Oxford Dictionary. Oxford, because it contains British headword spelling, and everyone loves and embraces British headword spelling.

It's that sort of thing that makes me love me. That you don't know something I do. It's amusing you see. I'm bigger badder better and smarter, all because you're not! It's spectacular!

So in my short but lovely summary of my passing week's events, screw Hanna, screw Julian, go David Roefaro, and finallly, if you don't live in my city, don't comment on issues relation to it. Don't spread your shit if you can't take the smell.

Good day!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

A lot less conversation

So I'm listening to some classic songs from The King. Not this one, but this one.

For some reason, and I don't know why, it hit me, and I figured that since I'm sitting at my iBook returing some very important tech emails that I would take some time out to do a little blogging. Yes, at 1 am. I'm devoted to my customers, what can I say.

I demand that Brian Williams returns monthly to host Saturday Night Live. I said demand. Yes. Demand.

What did this have to do with Elvis? Nothing. Absolutely nothing, but then again... It's fuggin 1 am. Which is why I'm now going to sleep, so you can catch me at my peak later. As normal. So normal, that basically every day is a peak. Except at 1 am.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Whoops, Wrong iPod

Back in the day, maybe a couple months ago, my local Key Bank had some promotion where you open some account and get a free iPod Nano. Unlike FSJ, not just a free fake iPod Nano in the mail, this is a real live iPod Nano.

I'm all for it. I like free things. I live off free things. Air, water fountains, organic veggie burgers... You know, the usual. Well, I see this ad for a Nano. See that Nano? I did too, that's why I went for it. It's a Nano. Well, over the course of an evening, setting up the account took over 2 hours. Turns out that not everything was done yet. That's ok. I go back. Another hour long visit.

Unlike most bank tellers, this woman knew things. Too bad she was still using an old IBM. Why is it all businesses use old IBM computers? It seems like they do. I don't get it. Circuit City, Best Buy, Target, Microsoft... I'm going to drop to the ground and foam from the mouth the next time I get a receipt handed to me that's been printed off an IBM. I swear to god I will.

I waited for this iPod like any other proud self-appointed member of the Apple Faithful. It came today.

I was slapped in the face with 17 tons of childlike wonder. This thing is so amazingly glorious that I can't even put it into words. Go to your local Apple store and hold it. Imagine it's yours. Yeah, that's the feeling. You feel it yet? Show it the love. You heard me. Love it a little. Make it yours before you have to put it down and walk away like you're at an AA meeting. Word.

It's simply amazing. It's everything I imagined and 3 times that even. Maybe even more. Wait, yeah, much more. Steve, you really are iCon. Thank you.

Thank you for announcing the new iPods right around the time of this promotion, and thank you key bank for ordering the new Nanos instead of getting old refurbished Minis or something.

I'm off to wield the power of dual iPods. That's right. Force to be reckoned with.

Oh, and yes, the Nano is formatted to Macintosh through iBook. Believe it.