Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The New iPod Shuffle: Kick Up The Suck

What the hell is this, you ask?

A new Tie Clip? No. A manual can opener? No. A snowboard version of a Tech Deck? No.

It's the new iPod Shuffle. Now in a more compact version of Suck.

It now charges exclusively through an awkward little USB cord with a 3.5mm jack on the other end. Just pop it in and let it lay on your desk like a dead Tuna. Dropping the dock - pretty, no?

The clip is now twice as long as the last Shuffle - so you can clip it further onto your outer layer of clothing. This cuts your chances of losing it by 20%! Yes, 20%!

The silver model comes with a silver clip. The black version comes with a... silver clip! Isn't that beautiful?! Oh, and guess what? Those are your only choices!

Don't forget... 20%!

It comes with VoiceOver. Some obnoxious little techno voice (please, tell me it's OttoMatic) comes over your earbuds like the voice of iJesus to tell you that you're playing a certain song by a certain artist off a certain album. I could think of a certain feature that could have certainly been left out.

Still... 20%!

This thing makes me want to pimp slap Jony Ive. Given, he could kick my ass. Still. It looks like a slab. A prototype mistake that somehow made it off the line and onto eBay with a reserve price of 79 cents. Alas, no. It is on Apple's page, and it's converted to dollars.

Want to shell out cash for better earbuds? Better be sure they're Apple branded, with that little toggle thing on the wire - because that's the only way it will work. It needs those controls to function due to the lack of any buttons at all.

Overall: The New iPod Shuffle is garbage. It's uncreative ugly slop that I could have milled on a CNC Lathe myself. Bonus: It comes with more iSuck.


Odds I'll buy it? Drop that first digit.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


What the flying fuck is this? Mail order babies? Aren't these like test tube babies but just in a person?

It's like I just went to a breakfast diner and ordered my fetus- I mean eggs.. scrambled with a side of bacon.

What? I corrected myself.

You can specify what you want your child to look like. This is a sin against all of creation. Genetically engineering something, or in this case, someone to look exactly how you want them to look. That's disgusting. It's frigtarded. It's going to lead to one armed trailer trash everywhere.

I hope you go against creation and you wind up with wheels for legs. I.E., the Hoveround.

You know what this sounds like?


Isn't this like the whole Master Race idea? I hate humans...