Apple to Gizmodo: Gimme

So, that iPhone that everyone is raving about now? You'll never see it again. It's gone, thanks to one drunk employee who left it at a bar, where it was picked up by some schmucks, sold to some more schmucks, and then torn apart by Gizmodo.

Well. Now they officially ruined it. Not the iPhone. The child-like wonder.

Do you REALLY think Steve is going to unveil a product on stage, to tons of people (intelligent tech-people) that the world over has already seen months before?

Hell no.

You people aren't getting it now.

So there.

You'll get an iPhone with no camera(s), removable Energizer batteries, and with Flash support. You'll all be pissed off with it, and you'll all wonder why. You'll all know why, though. You pissed off Steve... and Steve will not take that kind of shit from you kind of people. Steve will punch you in the chest, rip out your beating heart, and squish it, beating, into the pavement.

That is, unless Jony Ive doesn't stab you in the eyes with a soldering iron.

...and unless Scott Forstall doesn't code you to death.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Revenge of the nerds, bitches.

More as this unveils.

Universal Health Care PASSED?!?!

So this fucking thing passed? are you kidding me?

I've been gone enjoying the freedom that the world has to offer. I really have. To be honest, I gave a big old fashioned "SCREW THE INTERWEBZ"...

I got a summons from my good buddy Jesus, and he said "You know what you've gotta do? You've gotta spread the good word."

I'm like, "Listen, I go to church, I like you, a whole lot, but I don't know enough to preach-"

He cut me off. "I'm talking about that black dude. You know, the one that's only called half white when he does something stupid? Like now. Now that the Health Care Bill passed, he'll be half white."

"Oh. Yeah, Jesus. I know who you mean. That one. The one with the oversized gas hogging custom pimp limo. Right."

So I'm here now. I won't rest until this thing is sent back to the void and emptiness from which it came. Which is kind of odd, because I don't quite know how you'd fit a bill / law / novel between Nancy Pelosi's ears...

I Win Again

For my 150th post, I tell you one thing.

Ha.

That's Right.

Ha.

I was right. I told you. A big flat iPhone. Sure the black strip didn't go all the way across, but I can be wrong every now and then right? Else my perfection just gets a little boring. I can't wait to get my hands on this thing.

Thank you again, Steve.

iPhone To Directly Influence The Tablet

Oh, have I missed this place - but hark; I come bearing gifts of good news.

Jobs' and Ive's design ideas were spot on the first time around. The metal back of the first iPhone was a hit on all design fronts: simple, elegant, bold yet subdued. The only problem was that it was almost too flat, if you can believe that.

Too flat or too thin? iProducts? Never! No such thing, right?

Wrong.

That same form factor is coming back. Albeit, with more tapered edges, like the MacBook Air, you're going to see a giant iPhone next Wednesday. Until you actually turn on the device, it will look exactly like a wider, longer iPhone. From the glass and black front, to a metal bezel, to the anodized aluminum back - complete with that black plastic strip across the length of the device.

Ever see that story about the iPhone that got run over by a truck? Now imagine the truck was carrying a house. That's the idea of what you're going to be seeing here. The ultimate hybrid. Something that looks just like an iPhone, but with something that looks just like OS X. The happy marriage in the middle is what we're all going to have to wait and see.

I'm right again, and you'll all see come next Wednesday. If not... Well then I'll just disappear in cowering fear for as long as I have been.

Oh, happy 2010 fellow Interweberz.

Operation Surrender. Decent name? We'll see.

Plan:
On AT&T's website, everyone has the option to select "Not My Device" on their AT&T dashboard. At the same time, we all switch our "Not My Device" to some random phone of our choosing.

Why:
If they don't want New York City to have the iPhone, then the entire state of New York should go along with their thinking. We won't have the iPhone. We'll have something else. If they really want us to, they'll have to switch it back.

When:
December 31st, 11:30pm. It'll be more than a simple few account fixes at that time. Everyone at AT&T will be gone or drunk or both, and who knows what kind of chaos this could create.

I say it's worth a shot. Let's go New York. Show AT&T that they're really the ones making the choice here. Stick it to them with a healthy dose of literal sarcasm. It's their call. Let them live with the consequences.