Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The New iPod Shuffle: Kick Up The Suck

What the hell is this, you ask?

A new Tie Clip? No. A manual can opener? No. A snowboard version of a Tech Deck? No.

It's the new iPod Shuffle. Now in a more compact version of Suck.

It now charges exclusively through an awkward little USB cord with a 3.5mm jack on the other end. Just pop it in and let it lay on your desk like a dead Tuna. Dropping the dock - pretty, no?

The clip is now twice as long as the last Shuffle - so you can clip it further onto your outer layer of clothing. This cuts your chances of losing it by 20%! Yes, 20%!

The silver model comes with a silver clip. The black version comes with a... silver clip! Isn't that beautiful?! Oh, and guess what? Those are your only choices!

Don't forget... 20%!

It comes with VoiceOver. Some obnoxious little techno voice (please, tell me it's OttoMatic) comes over your earbuds like the voice of iJesus to tell you that you're playing a certain song by a certain artist off a certain album. I could think of a certain feature that could have certainly been left out.

Still... 20%!

This thing makes me want to pimp slap Jony Ive. Given, he could kick my ass. Still. It looks like a slab. A prototype mistake that somehow made it off the line and onto eBay with a reserve price of 79 cents. Alas, no. It is on Apple's page, and it's converted to dollars.

Want to shell out cash for better earbuds? Better be sure they're Apple branded, with that little toggle thing on the wire - because that's the only way it will work. It needs those controls to function due to the lack of any buttons at all.

Overall: The New iPod Shuffle is garbage. It's uncreative ugly slop that I could have milled on a CNC Lathe myself. Bonus: It comes with more iSuck.


Odds I'll buy it? Drop that first digit.

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