Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Feelings About Ricers

Have you ever gotten passed on the freeway by a Civic that looks like it could combust at any moment? Ever been challenged to a red-light showdown by some punk in a Subaru Impreza with a sail on the back that's 10 times more dangerous to you than the Cadillac rear fins from days long gone? Ever just want to shoot those people in the face with mace, or something else?

I have my reasons. You may not, or you may just not understand, but I'll clear it all up. Skippy's been gone for too long again, and the voice of wisdom hasn't helped you good folks for a long time. Every once in a while, I really need something to piss me off and push my buttons to get me going. Well. That happened recently. I'll explain my frustrations if you bare with me.

You know those kinds of people. The local college kids that all work at McDonald's and don't have a pot to piss in. You know exactly what I mean. Don't deny it, assface. Think about it. You hate them too, and you know all the reasons. Do I need to spell it out? Ok.

Consider the following:

A) The stereo with a sub in the trunk - because all good music belongs in your ass, enclosed in metal, and under the seats of your backseat drivers. See: Colon Cleansing.

B) The windows that are tinted so dark you don't know where they end and the paint / trim begins - because you're blocking UV rays from other suns in other galaxies? Who the fuck knows.

C) The spoiler that looks like it belongs on a boat in the Bahamas - because you really need REAR DOWNFORCE IN A FRONT WHEEL DRIVE IMPORT CAR, for those times where you hit +200mph supercrazyfastGforcespeeds.

D) The exhaust tip that's the double the size of a Folger's coffee can - because when your supercrazyfastRicer overheats, the only method of cooling is a tube the size of a fucking dryer hose.

E) The amazingly huge wide-body fiberglass kits that weren't even made for that year and model car - because when you can't drive, the one thing that'll help is making your hatchback the width of a Dodge 3500 dually 2-ton pickup. How do you make it look better? Make sure it's not your car's color, and never, EVER paint it.

F) The relieving pressure of the bowls of the engine when your car farts a giant hiss - because your turbo is struggling to keep up and not explode, killing everyone in a quarter mile radius.

G) The need to accelerate at every single stop sign and green light at every corner of every city in America - because the one thing that's totally impressive to me is watching a car accelerate and smoke, reach 35mph, and need to hit their squeaking non-performance brakes so they don't fly into the living room of the house on the corner.

H) The urge to recline your seat as far as it can go, put one hand on the wheel, and the other, I don't even know, in your pants - because nothing says "hip" quite the same as looking like a woman in her hundreds who can't see over the steering wheel.

I) The dying pressure on themselves to cut me off while merging into traffic off of a ramp - because when I signal, that doesn't mean I'm getting in that lane or anything. OH, NO. That means that I want you to swerve as fast as possible, and cruise exactly where I'm going, at the same speed, so that I have to cut you back off, and flip you the finger. I have to. No questions.

J) The bumper stickers of companies, products, and brands that you like, or that you think are cool, that you put on the sides of your car - because it's really awesome to give your ride some Nascar sponsors, so that it looks like you're raking in money from all your awesome classic illegal street racing days.

K) The neon aftermarket DuPont colors you spray paint your car - because as we all know, just painting it yellow makes it faster. Just. Add. Yellow.

A close friend of dear Skippy had the following to say, and it rings so true, how could I not share and post it here? Read away!

"I just think it's ridiculous to take the smallest engine we can find and put it in a midsize economy car and pretend it's a sports car. Maybe these people can find a new job other than McDonald's that pays better and buy a real car. I don't have problems with nice Acuras or Infinitis (other than I would rather a Cadillac or Mercedes Benz) but these 1992 econo-boxes turned Ferrari looking sports cars are getting on my nerves. Other than that I'm fine.

There's nothing like seeing an inline four Honda Civic (or whatever is fashionable this week) decked out with a body kit and a huge sail on the back with a turbo rolling down the street with loud ignorant rap music pouring out of it. These people say it's cheaper and more fuel efficient. I say it is cheaper. It's shit. You could rub my balls with how cheap it looks, feels, and just is.

With today's V6 / V8 advancements i4s are no longer the only efficient route for engines. Ford's 30+ mpg 305 hp V6 is an example. So basically their lack of education is blatantly apparent in not only what they buy but how they show it off.

I have a Stratus and I know it's a piece of shit, and it looks like one too. It's okay to have a shit car if you at least understand it's a basic automobile. But these people are proud to have the bottom of the line, not because they worked for it, but because they (naturally) think it's the best.

So there you have it."

Yes. Yes you do. Suck it, youth.

Anti-Civic 4eva... or something like that.

(Vtec... lol...)