This is why I hate Hummers.

This morning. I woke up at 11:30. (Ok, this afternoon.) I was suddenly struck with them hungries.

There's this little corner store. On the corner. I swear to God there is. My idea is to skip breakfast and head to lunch, because I know the people that own it and they're marketing pros. They could make a rich man want a ham sandwich. Someone else in the city apparently had another idea.

I live just below a hill. That leads to a main road in my city. For the life of me, I can't understand why people don't know that when it SNOWS it gets SLIPPERY. Does anyone else on this earth live in a town / city / hickville where when it first snows, everyone suddenly forgets how to drive? Well it's been snowing here for 2 months, and I guess there's just so much of it that no one can ever learn how to drive again. Looks like I'll be trying to avoid things like this for a while.

I go to turn the corner, and what do I see skiing down the hill with brakes locked, but a snow white hummer. Who is behind the wheel but a blinged-out wanna-be hollywood pill popper, jaw dropped and eyes wide. Obviously surprised that his 3 quarter ton SUV has a hard time stopping at high speeds.

So I have a green light. Apparently, there was some mystical error. He had a green light too. In his eyes, he had more green than the garden of eden and the Jolly Giant combined. So naturally, I stopped because I see this dick in an Amtrak barreling down the hill, and I guess he saw me gunning it. He slams the brakes, and this hummer skids sideways through the intersection. He continues down the street at an angle, until the truckbuscar decided it would regain traction. So still at an angle, he starts heading towards that glorious deli that I was going to.

He either hit it or stopped an inch from the door, until he figured out that a Hummer won't fit on the Queens bridge, much less through a few little rocks, and even still a delicatessen's double doors.

Screw that. I turned around, came home, flipped on Orange County Choppers and had a roast beef sandwich. Damn straight. See / hear / know nothing, and you have no worries.

Oh, and if you own a Hummer, do the world a favor.

Flip it, scrap it, and buy a 1960 VW Bus. Wanna keep that pimped out look? Hippie flower decals. See? Problem solved.

Save the tankcars for the deserts of the middle east, not for the trip to your local Wal*Mart.

So I just got back...

from this Christmas party with all the tech folks here in Central New York. It was out in like Herkimer or something, and I almost killed some fox on the way there because it decided that it's walkway was the middle of a highway. If kids have crosswalks, then why don't the freaking animals? Just because they defecate where they please, I'm supposed to believe that they can go where they want when they want and do whatever they want at any time of day? Screw you, woodland creatures. Yes, I'm talking to you because you read this blog.

Anyway. I got chocolate from everyone there. I found that funny. They all know me that well, even if I'm not in that time of the month. Still...

See. Analyze an image relating to that in your mind, and see if you ever get to sleep tonight.

I need to start wrapping fake gifts so I can put them under my fake tree so I can give them to fake people I like. Do I look forward to it? Yes and no. On one hand, I get to spread the pure joy that a human being can only truly experience in the form of a gift from your truly. A small token of my appreciation of their existence, even if they act like total blundering morons 99% of every day of their lives. Gotta love 'em. I swear to God you do. It says so in the Bible. Or the Torah. Or in here.

I will tell you. The Nogasaki is something that should be un-fooled around with. Yes, like that orange juice, the fine Italian wine that can be found in my collection. Powerful crap. I'll tell you that much. If you're not careful it'll knock you on your ass in a minute.

Oh proverbial sigh.

I want to go back on vacation.

Which reminds me, Fake Steve is doing just fine. All that Apple bull - yeah, he's got it under control. Details are on the down low, or whatever they say nowadays. Rest assured, he'll be fine. So don't worry about worrying about my worrying about FSJ. All is well in the faux Apple kingdom, and Dear Leader will let it all blow over in no time.

Well...

Looks like I'm gonna get to gift wrapping. Then I'll be off to sleep so I can wait for this man to crawl down my chimney, and raid my home for no good purpose. He probably just wants to scope the place so Vinny, Vito, and Lenny the Squid can take me out.

Oh man. Nogasaki's taking affect.

Yup. Goodnight.

Keep Your iPod Warm This Winter.

The iPod Sock. Yes, that's right. Even your iPod would like a christmas sweater this non-denominational holiday season.

As you gather around the non-belief-specific festive shrub on the morning of the birthday of a child somewhere, you'll know that one of your siblings will be hit with a Mack Truck full of wonder and mysteriosness. Mysterioso. Mysteriousa. Oh hell, I mean "child-like wonder", ok Apple? Holy trademarked phrases...

So on this upcoming day of celebration for a religious-specific reason, why not get someone an iPod sock, and perhaps the grill of that big-ass rig will come hurdling into your living room to bestow a radiant glow of joy on the face of those who believe in Jesus, and everyone will be up the creek without so much as a twig.

Oops.

Great, you left the defroster off

Let me be frank. I live in the northeast, and we're all gonna be fucked.

If this is any indication of what is to come this winter, Cupertino is going to be hearing even more of me.

Maybe there's a reason I don't own any Christmas cds. Maybe there's a reason I don't / can't play ice hockey. Perhaps, just maybe, there's some unknown reason why I didn't go outside, cut down a tree that could otherwise provide me with air, bring it inside, decorate it for Jesus, put crap for my family under it, most of which I'll probably never see after December 26th, throw the tree out to the curb when I'm done, and proceed to clean up the mess myself.

Sounds like the meaning of the holidays, doesn't it?

Matt Lauer knows about meaning. Kudos en masse go out to him for defending the Nintendo Wii against buying shares of stock for Christmas on the Today show. What a guy.

Ow.

Oh, I forgot a small detail! I destroyed my wrist in an on-ice experience, and as much as I know you'll miss me, I'll have to take it easy. Doc's orders.

I'll miss you too. Really.

If you see the guys who did this to me, they had bike chains. One had a tire iron. Leather coats on all of them. Something about angels on the back... Festive bastards.