Sunday, July 27, 2008

Just a note

En lieu of my 100th post, I gave myself another vacation from all work including unnecessary movement and waking up before 11 am. I'll be back in a while, don't worry. It's not good for you. I swear to God it's not.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Wal*Mart: Stuff It, Smiley

I can't stand this shit any more. Someone, for the love of all that's good and expensive, tear down Wal*Mart.

This store isn't the heaven I thought it was made out to be when I didn't actually work there. What a hole. Fatass balding managers, old people that forget where the front door is located, and sweaty guys in non-requirement tank tops working the stock room in back.

Disgustingly pathetic.

Check this out.

Remind you of anything? Please don't tell me you're that stupid - even I couldn't believe that.

That video, as oddly sick and humorous as it is, is sad and true.

All of the overweight people putting around on their little power scooter cartmobiles, families towing 2 or 3 carts full of garbage, and people walking in with plastic money to get an entertainment system worth of a listen by Stevie Wonder.

the customers are exactly what brought that retail shit chain to what they are today. They are the epitome of the man that made the dump what it is today, even though he's been 6 feet under for a decade and a half. Can you tell how much I respect him? Yeah. Just about as much as the rock with his name and date.

You know the kind - hell, you probably know someone who is one, or you just may be one yourself. They come in, they shop around and crack the same jokes about things that people have been cracking since the first HoleMart opened in 936 AD,and they generally move things around only to leave 20 minutes later. After it's all done, they didn't buy shit, but that's ok, because the person that followed them into the store left the store sans $200.

I'm all for the Confederacy and the south and Cracker Barrel and RC Cola, really, but holy crap. This is the one time I'd ever support anything with the word Union.

Besides, Sam's Choice tastes like warm liquid plumber. Really. It does.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

100th Post: A Confession

In honor of my 100th post, and the continuation of a legend, I figured I would come clean to the world.

I have a problem. I can't hide it any longer. Let me explain.

For years, man has struggled with one thing, and one thing alone: woman. Temptation, seduction, manipulation, need, love, and lust. I am only man, and I can not lie in that I too have run into a few of those problems listed.

I thought I was one of the lucky ones, that I wouldn't go through that in my lifetime. That was when I was young and naive.

Now that I have more worldly experience than most people, I can finally see what's been wrong lately. I've been blinded my my friends and family by the one thing that somehow found its way through the labyrinth that is my mind.

I have finally found what is the definition of hot. As sexy and sleek as the hips of a 1969 bright orange Dodge Charger.

It seems like lust has taken me over, and I can't feel more guilty. Not only am I drifting away from the first thing that changed my life, I'm basically only cheating myself here. It's just not right, and every man in America knows that feeling.

It's like the most beautiful woman on the planet was just dropped in my lap, and there's no way I want to let go, even though I know deep down that I should. It's the right thing to do really. I have a life that I can't just abandon for that.

With a body such a delicious shade of flawless white, accentuated by all those curves, what is a person to do but just stare half starry eyed in wonder as you walk by? God is playing a trick, it must be - how could the sight of anything invoke lust when you don't know anything else but what you saw? It's just wrong.

You know how unfair it is, really. It's just that you see something so simply gorgeous and pure and innocent that your mind instantly rearranges your priorities whether you want it to or not.

I'll change the way I think in time. I can fix myself, I know it. In the meantime, I'll have to work on being a better man, for myself, and everyone I know. I mean, really, let's be honest. Have you seen the iPhone 3G? Wow.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Yankee Demo

What the flying fuck are people thinking? Anything? No?

I hate the Yankees, with a passion that burns like a thousand suns, but even I think it's a terrible idea to rip down Yankee Stadium.

There's an ad in my Sunday paper that shows a little replica that you can buy for like $9,000... It says something about celebrating the last season at Yankee Stadium.

Ok, I'll admit I find it funny that the team I hate is having their home stadium ripped down for who the hell knows what - a hot dog stand would be funniest, and have more return visitors - but still, I'm a history kind of person, and things with meaning like landmarks are meant to be left as is unless falling down on people that walk by who look at it the wrong way.

Like in Utica, there's the Stanley Theatre. People including myself were and still are against some big stupid neon scrolling Marquee that replaced a simple text holding billboard thing. It's an old antique building... leave it the hell alone. Really.

Some people are just so fucking stupid, you just want to roundhouse kick them in the face. Chuck Norris style. Stupidity is disgusting. I like perfection. Like myself, and this blog.



Oh, that reminds me, I plan to take over Fake Steve Jobs' spot for overall best Blogger site.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Because I Said So

Told you!

iPhone 2.0 Software available at 9AM. I believe I said that, didn't I?

Oh yes, I did.

How do I keep so awesome? Honestly. What makes me so irresistibly great? It just must come naturally.

Well. The 2.0 Software is available right here, right now. In JesusTunes, hold option, and click Check For Updates when JesusPhone is plugged in, and download it by selecting it.

Officially, this is NOT the 2.0 Software from Apple, it is a build of it, NOT THE FINAL RELEASE.

Skippy holds no reliability for anything whatsoever that comes from you clicking that link and downloading that unpure item to JesusPhone. Skippy has warned you, and don't come crying to Skippy if you wind up with a JesusBrick.

Don't say I didn't tell you so.

JesusPhone 3G Prep

It's almost here, people.

The iPhone 3G, and App Store, and Software 2.0 for EdgePhone users like myself. I don't have Edge around here, so I'll be holding off.

Oh, and MobileMe for those who want that too.

Speculation all over either points to 3 possibilities, and yes. Skippy will let you all in on it.

It will either be tomorrow around 5AM or 9AM, or they'll hold off until the 11th at 8AM. MobileMe will be up tonight, or at least it should be.

Enjoy, iFanatics.

Monday, July 7, 2008

This is why bikers die

If there's one thing I don't like aside from Microsoft, Japanese cars, or Starbucks, it's daring bikers.

You know the kind, right?

The little assholes on their Suzuki Shitterbikes, weaving in and out of traffic because they think they can only because they can fit.

Here's a hint - don't try to pass me. Ever. You will become a road stain, and I will get out to check on your level of alive. Nearly alive, perfectly alive? No difference. You'll be looking for my help. I will point and laugh. Why? Well, because it just won't be my day. Neither will the next day. Like those bumper stickers.

So I'm going south on my city's main drag, and there's this little shitty 70's bike with like a rear reflector and nothing else, and he decides that he likes one exit ramp over the other, which both lead to the same intersection. Ok, he takes the right one.

NOPE. Dipshit decides last minute, the left one is more for him.

Don't you just want to hold your door open and just take him out? Give him a reason to used the handicapped spaces at Walgreen's when he goes to pick up the medication that will keep him and his plastic hip alive because someone decided to clip his rear wheel and send him into an daredevil flip.


July goal for bikers: fuck with me more.

Trust me, there will be fewer bikers. Take your pick fellas, under or over? Personally I like the latter due to the way that things really bounce and roll off of the hood of a gunmetal 2002 Saturn SL1. Very artful actually.

Holy assfuckers incorporated... I hate bikers. Kids. Don't even know how to work on their own vehicle.


Just like my mini van philosophy, if you have a bike, do the world a favor. Find the nearest highest bridge, swerve towards it, and instead of playing chicken and stopping, gun it. If there's a guardrail, the rider - that's you - will simply get more airtime.

Does this help you? Yes. You won't be driving that Honda machine anymore. Does it help me? Come on, do I have to answer that?

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Go Time

Took a trip to my local AT&T Store on Tuesday. Thought I would report back here.

A buddy of mine with 7 months in his contract is able to get all the stops. $199 / $299 for the 3G iPhone, the dirt cheap prices on their $75 base contract. You know - 450 minutes, Data, and 200 SMS Texts for $5.

I think my next Walmart bonus, in all it's huge 6 figure glory, will get me a 3G GodDevice.

We'll see about this.

Especially after I sort out that billing pricing scheme thing. Did you see what damn chart? Holy crap.

It's a joke right? I had to have missed that one.