Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Feelings About Ricers

Have you ever gotten passed on the freeway by a Civic that looks like it could combust at any moment? Ever been challenged to a red-light showdown by some punk in a Subaru Impreza with a sail on the back that's 10 times more dangerous to you than the Cadillac rear fins from days long gone? Ever just want to shoot those people in the face with mace, or something else?

I have my reasons. You may not, or you may just not understand, but I'll clear it all up. Skippy's been gone for too long again, and the voice of wisdom hasn't helped you good folks for a long time. Every once in a while, I really need something to piss me off and push my buttons to get me going. Well. That happened recently. I'll explain my frustrations if you bare with me.

You know those kinds of people. The local college kids that all work at McDonald's and don't have a pot to piss in. You know exactly what I mean. Don't deny it, assface. Think about it. You hate them too, and you know all the reasons. Do I need to spell it out? Ok.

Consider the following:

A) The stereo with a sub in the trunk - because all good music belongs in your ass, enclosed in metal, and under the seats of your backseat drivers. See: Colon Cleansing.

B) The windows that are tinted so dark you don't know where they end and the paint / trim begins - because you're blocking UV rays from other suns in other galaxies? Who the fuck knows.

C) The spoiler that looks like it belongs on a boat in the Bahamas - because you really need REAR DOWNFORCE IN A FRONT WHEEL DRIVE IMPORT CAR, for those times where you hit +200mph supercrazyfastGforcespeeds.

D) The exhaust tip that's the double the size of a Folger's coffee can - because when your supercrazyfastRicer overheats, the only method of cooling is a tube the size of a fucking dryer hose.

E) The amazingly huge wide-body fiberglass kits that weren't even made for that year and model car - because when you can't drive, the one thing that'll help is making your hatchback the width of a Dodge 3500 dually 2-ton pickup. How do you make it look better? Make sure it's not your car's color, and never, EVER paint it.

F) The relieving pressure of the bowls of the engine when your car farts a giant hiss - because your turbo is struggling to keep up and not explode, killing everyone in a quarter mile radius.

G) The need to accelerate at every single stop sign and green light at every corner of every city in America - because the one thing that's totally impressive to me is watching a car accelerate and smoke, reach 35mph, and need to hit their squeaking non-performance brakes so they don't fly into the living room of the house on the corner.

H) The urge to recline your seat as far as it can go, put one hand on the wheel, and the other, I don't even know, in your pants - because nothing says "hip" quite the same as looking like a woman in her hundreds who can't see over the steering wheel.

I) The dying pressure on themselves to cut me off while merging into traffic off of a ramp - because when I signal, that doesn't mean I'm getting in that lane or anything. OH, NO. That means that I want you to swerve as fast as possible, and cruise exactly where I'm going, at the same speed, so that I have to cut you back off, and flip you the finger. I have to. No questions.

J) The bumper stickers of companies, products, and brands that you like, or that you think are cool, that you put on the sides of your car - because it's really awesome to give your ride some Nascar sponsors, so that it looks like you're raking in money from all your awesome classic illegal street racing days.

K) The neon aftermarket DuPont colors you spray paint your car - because as we all know, just painting it yellow makes it faster. Just. Add. Yellow.

A close friend of dear Skippy had the following to say, and it rings so true, how could I not share and post it here? Read away!

"I just think it's ridiculous to take the smallest engine we can find and put it in a midsize economy car and pretend it's a sports car. Maybe these people can find a new job other than McDonald's that pays better and buy a real car. I don't have problems with nice Acuras or Infinitis (other than I would rather a Cadillac or Mercedes Benz) but these 1992 econo-boxes turned Ferrari looking sports cars are getting on my nerves. Other than that I'm fine.

There's nothing like seeing an inline four Honda Civic (or whatever is fashionable this week) decked out with a body kit and a huge sail on the back with a turbo rolling down the street with loud ignorant rap music pouring out of it. These people say it's cheaper and more fuel efficient. I say it is cheaper. It's shit. You could rub my balls with how cheap it looks, feels, and just is.

With today's V6 / V8 advancements i4s are no longer the only efficient route for engines. Ford's 30+ mpg 305 hp V6 is an example. So basically their lack of education is blatantly apparent in not only what they buy but how they show it off.

I have a Stratus and I know it's a piece of shit, and it looks like one too. It's okay to have a shit car if you at least understand it's a basic automobile. But these people are proud to have the bottom of the line, not because they worked for it, but because they (naturally) think it's the best.

So there you have it."

Yes. Yes you do. Suck it, youth.

Anti-Civic 4eva... or something like that.

(Vtec... lol...)


Steven said...

My problem with those kinds of people is it's just not cost effective. When I was in college I had a Porsche 951, no... wasn't rich. I bought it for $2,400 (probably what most these kids pay for a Honda). I had to put the engine together as the previous owner jumped timing, have it painted, and fix some interior bits. Total cost about $5,000. I had a shit-tastic job fixing computers for just over minimum wage but in the end rather than having some beat up Honda for the same cost I had a car that quite a few people asked if it was new and would blow the doors off pretty much any ricer. - My cousin at the time pimped out his Ford Focus, thought he was bad ass when he changed the engine to get his zero to 60 time below 8 seconds, spent more money than I did and practically shit his pants the first time I floored my car. - I just don't get it because they are spending too much money, the end price they could have just bought a better car.

Skippy said...

Thanks for commenting Steven. You know, I agree with you there. I would much rather buy a nice car that needs a lot of work than a cheap car that needs no work. Not the moral of the story, but in your situation I wouldn't change much.

I have friends with Civics, young and old, that rave about them... When something isn't going wrong with them because they're built so cheaply. There's a reason they aren't expensive automobiles, and I don't know why everyone fails to see that.

People would be better off not buying shit to begin with, but it looks like things aren't changing any time soon.

Lucy said...

How about the majority of us who buy Civics for fuel efficiency? I could care less about "pimping" my Honda Civic out. Not only was your blog offending, but it was very biased to say the least. Built cheaply? Shit cars? YES I'm pretty sure that explains why they're one of the most top-selling cars.

Skippy said...

Thanks for commenting Lucy. As a buddy of mine stated, and was quoted in my article, it's absurd to think that Civics are the only option for fuel efficiency. My 2002 Saturn SL1 gets gas mileage that rivals the early electric cars, and I've yet to have a single major problem above general maintenance. I loved it so much, I bought a second, exact copy of my car with a Manual transmission,

I sincerely apologize, from the bottom of my beating heart, that you were offended by my blog. Obviously, someone strapped you down and made you read it - and that's simply wrong. Anyone should be able to click off my page when they want. That's every American's God-given right! As for the biased part, I agree with you. I am biased. Civics blow. A lot.

They are not one of the top-selling cars. They are the cheapest car to maintain, simply because parts are readily available. Can I ask you to think about what makes parts readily available? The fact that so many other cars had to die first to make it happen. There are more Civics in every scrap yard in America today, than any other vehicle on the market.

That is where they belong, though.