Back To The Mac Predictions

You know what I haven't done in a while? Told you what Apple plans on doing today.

I want to keep it short at 3 main points, so here goes.

A) Steve will come out and give financial stats. Best quarter Apple's ever seen. Stock way up; milestones broken. iPad selling like hotcakes, iPhone constraints are finally easing up. That "10's of millions of FaceTime devices" claim will be happening soon.

B) Steve is going to move on to software. Two software discussions today - the new iLife, more than likely skipping that 2010 or 2011 dating issue, and Max OS X Lion

iLife is going to see some minor updates to Garageband, iMovie, and iPhoto, but the new program is so tightly under wraps that the only thing I can say is that it's going to be software creating software. It'll be schweet.

OS 10.7 is going to integrate a lot of what people have become accustomed to in the iOS. There's a chance that the auto-correct typing feature just may make an appearance in the desktop OS. Rubber-band scrolling is a definite future feature.

C) The MacBook Air. Are we kidding? Of course we know there's going to be a new air. I can't definitely confirm the dual USB thing, but it seems very likely. It is closely going to resemble the MacBook Pro screens, with the black bordered screen, but to keep price and weight down, it may not be glass - or at least maybe not the same glass.

The cool little feature about the lack of an optical drive means that there's a key on their standard keyboard that the MacBook air doesn't need. To save just that extra bit of room, and make it look more minimal, the eject button that's on most keyboards will be the power button for the Air.

The new version is going to look even thinner, and be a combination of the curvy and shapely white MacBook and the aluminum back of the iPad. It will definitely be 11.6", because as a widescreen laptop, the smallest you can go without downscaling the keyboard... Is the half way mark between 11" and 12". Anything smaller, and the keyboard takes a hit.

There you have it. Now, let's wait and see.

My Feelings About Ricers

Have you ever gotten passed on the freeway by a Civic that looks like it could combust at any moment? Ever been challenged to a red-light showdown by some punk in a Subaru Impreza with a sail on the back that's 10 times more dangerous to you than the Cadillac rear fins from days long gone? Ever just want to shoot those people in the face with mace, or something else?

I have my reasons. You may not, or you may just not understand, but I'll clear it all up. Skippy's been gone for too long again, and the voice of wisdom hasn't helped you good folks for a long time. Every once in a while, I really need something to piss me off and push my buttons to get me going. Well. That happened recently. I'll explain my frustrations if you bare with me.

You know those kinds of people. The local college kids that all work at McDonald's and don't have a pot to piss in. You know exactly what I mean. Don't deny it, assface. Think about it. You hate them too, and you know all the reasons. Do I need to spell it out? Ok.

Consider the following:

A) The stereo with a sub in the trunk - because all good music belongs in your ass, enclosed in metal, and under the seats of your backseat drivers. See: Colon Cleansing.

B) The windows that are tinted so dark you don't know where they end and the paint / trim begins - because you're blocking UV rays from other suns in other galaxies? Who the fuck knows.

C) The spoiler that looks like it belongs on a boat in the Bahamas - because you really need REAR DOWNFORCE IN A FRONT WHEEL DRIVE IMPORT CAR, for those times where you hit +200mph supercrazyfastGforcespeeds.

D) The exhaust tip that's the double the size of a Folger's coffee can - because when your supercrazyfastRicer overheats, the only method of cooling is a tube the size of a fucking dryer hose.

E) The amazingly huge wide-body fiberglass kits that weren't even made for that year and model car - because when you can't drive, the one thing that'll help is making your hatchback the width of a Dodge 3500 dually 2-ton pickup. How do you make it look better? Make sure it's not your car's color, and never, EVER paint it.

F) The relieving pressure of the bowls of the engine when your car farts a giant hiss - because your turbo is struggling to keep up and not explode, killing everyone in a quarter mile radius.

G) The need to accelerate at every single stop sign and green light at every corner of every city in America - because the one thing that's totally impressive to me is watching a car accelerate and smoke, reach 35mph, and need to hit their squeaking non-performance brakes so they don't fly into the living room of the house on the corner.

H) The urge to recline your seat as far as it can go, put one hand on the wheel, and the other, I don't even know, in your pants - because nothing says "hip" quite the same as looking like a woman in her hundreds who can't see over the steering wheel.

I) The dying pressure on themselves to cut me off while merging into traffic off of a ramp - because when I signal, that doesn't mean I'm getting in that lane or anything. OH, NO. That means that I want you to swerve as fast as possible, and cruise exactly where I'm going, at the same speed, so that I have to cut you back off, and flip you the finger. I have to. No questions.

J) The bumper stickers of companies, products, and brands that you like, or that you think are cool, that you put on the sides of your car - because it's really awesome to give your ride some Nascar sponsors, so that it looks like you're raking in money from all your awesome classic illegal street racing days.

K) The neon aftermarket DuPont colors you spray paint your car - because as we all know, just painting it yellow makes it faster. Just. Add. Yellow.

A close friend of dear Skippy had the following to say, and it rings so true, how could I not share and post it here? Read away!

"I just think it's ridiculous to take the smallest engine we can find and put it in a midsize economy car and pretend it's a sports car. Maybe these people can find a new job other than McDonald's that pays better and buy a real car. I don't have problems with nice Acuras or Infinitis (other than I would rather a Cadillac or Mercedes Benz) but these 1992 econo-boxes turned Ferrari looking sports cars are getting on my nerves. Other than that I'm fine.

There's nothing like seeing an inline four Honda Civic (or whatever is fashionable this week) decked out with a body kit and a huge sail on the back with a turbo rolling down the street with loud ignorant rap music pouring out of it. These people say it's cheaper and more fuel efficient. I say it is cheaper. It's shit. You could rub my balls with how cheap it looks, feels, and just is.

With today's V6 / V8 advancements i4s are no longer the only efficient route for engines. Ford's 30+ mpg 305 hp V6 is an example. So basically their lack of education is blatantly apparent in not only what they buy but how they show it off.

I have a Stratus and I know it's a piece of shit, and it looks like one too. It's okay to have a shit car if you at least understand it's a basic automobile. But these people are proud to have the bottom of the line, not because they worked for it, but because they (naturally) think it's the best.

So there you have it."

Yes. Yes you do. Suck it, youth.

Anti-Civic 4eva... or something like that.

(Vtec... lol...)

I Thought This Needed To Be Shared

"One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her."

The Government Legalizes iPhone Jailbreaking?

Wow, what a great idea! This is entirely useful, I must say. Sounds too good to be true, right? We can all do whatever the hell we want, thanks to the Gov., regardless of what rules any number of companies put in place.

"Owners of the iPhone will be able to break electronic locks on their devices in order to download applications that have not been approved by Apple. The government is making that legal under new rules announced Monday.

The decision to allow the practice commonly known as "jailbreaking" is one of a handful of new exemptions from a federal law that prohibits the circumvention of technical measures that control access to copyrighted works."
- The Associated Press

No. No no no. This is not useful. This is the exact opposite. This is interference. This is the Gov. attempting to remdy something that NEEDS NO CHANGING. If people want to Jailbreak their devices, they assume 100% responsibility for what happens to it when they think they know what they're doing.

Has anyone really gotten to use a Jailbroken device? Those that answered yes, how many can say that the experience was optimal? Are we kidding ourselves here? Anyone can Jailbreak the iPhone if they want. Why should the Gov. come in and say that now Apple has to provide service to the suckers that do, when something gets screwed up, because THEY did it?

What is left to gain? Some really poor applications that didn't make the cut? Use of tethering when you didn't sign up for it with AT&T? Use of T-Mobile's network that explicitly breaks the AT&T exclusivity that's legally in place between them and Apple? What is there to gain from this?

This is bull. I'm sick of the Gov. sticking their noses and other appendages where they don't belong. It's about f'n time that SOMEONE with real power steps up in regards to this. What hand does the Gov. have in the consumer electronics market? NONE. 0. Bill Gates / Steve Jobs / Al Gore better do something, before the Gov. regulates what can and can't be on my iPod -- OH WAIT...

I'm sick of the Gov. having everyone by the cajones, while whatever they say goes, whether the vast majority of the American people agree or oppose. King Obama, ball's in your court, and naturally it's your best sport.

I didn't vote for these people. I voted for one president who was the lesser of two evils. I never said that person could do what is being done, the way it's being done.

Let me break it down even further...

In the current situation, Apple is against jailbreaking, and if they find you have jailbroken your device, they can deny service in regards to voiding their terms. In the new proposed situation, Apple can now not deny service to those who have jailbroken their devices. The user owns the phone, and can do what they want, and Apple can not say no to the user.

The problem with this is, Apple has set up a environment where they can control the quality of the product after it has left the hands of any Apple employee, and entered the hands of the user. If the user takes that product home, and jailbreaking - some third party's work - screws up that user's product, why should Apple help the user, when the third party is to blame, and neither Apple or the third party can affect one another? The only contact the user and the third party has, is through the product, when one or the other directly affect it in any way. A vs C via B / C vs A via B.

In the words of my main man Charile Brown:
I just can't stand it.

BP Stalls - Implies Oil Is Good

That's why the oil keeps pumping into the Gulf.

Al Gore called them up and was like, "Guys, we needta get on dis thang, cause the fishies are dyin'."

Then, that really mellow drugged up BP dude was like, "Well, we're doing everything we can to get this thing under control, and we're happy with our success, and last weeks Success Bonus we all received, and we can't wait to get things kicked off, but we're saddened by the lack of acceptance with our idea on how to make the water more slippery for the fishies."

That's how it went down. It went down like that because, quite obviously, I was told, in person, by who else; my good buddy Jesus.

Anyway, I'm here to bring good news for all of those who are longing to watch that live feed of the oil spill, that almost never works, because of the thousands all trying to watch it at the same time.

BP, of all people, have posted a delayed-live feed of the spill. It works by not actually being live, but loading a recorded clip of live feed, which when loaded, will be about 10 minutes behind live, but at least it works.

Hopefully we'll get a real show soon, when the leak changes color more, because word is that we may have just tapped into a well of less gas-rich and more pure-oil-rich goodness. You can expect that camera to go down whenever BP tries something new too, because they don't want you seeing them fail live.

Google Acquires BumpTop

I can't take this crap. Must they just buy everything with no actual intention to link it all?

This is EXACTLY what killed General Motors.

They have their greedy fingers in a little of everything, and they have no real ideas on what to do but acquire things and move forward with them, all snowballing as they go.

This is absolutely lunatic. BumpTop was one of the little guys I was rooting for, and they made a really cool useful product. Now it's going to be yet another bump (no pun intended) on the bigass pile of endless Google Beta.

Well, at least they still offer it free for another week.

Check out the message on their page. They're actually happy about it? My condolences, folks.

Damn you Google.

That's all I have to say.

Damn you.

Apple to Gizmodo: Gimme

So, that iPhone that everyone is raving about now? You'll never see it again. It's gone, thanks to one drunk employee who left it at a bar, where it was picked up by some schmucks, sold to some more schmucks, and then torn apart by Gizmodo.

Well. Now they officially ruined it. Not the iPhone. The child-like wonder.

Do you REALLY think Steve is going to unveil a product on stage, to tons of people (intelligent tech-people) that the world over has already seen months before?

Hell no.

You people aren't getting it now.

So there.

You'll get an iPhone with no camera(s), removable Energizer batteries, and with Flash support. You'll all be pissed off with it, and you'll all wonder why. You'll all know why, though. You pissed off Steve... and Steve will not take that kind of shit from you kind of people. Steve will punch you in the chest, rip out your beating heart, and squish it, beating, into the pavement.

That is, unless Jony Ive doesn't stab you in the eyes with a soldering iron.

...and unless Scott Forstall doesn't code you to death.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Revenge of the nerds, bitches.

More as this unveils.

Universal Health Care PASSED?!?!

So this fucking thing passed? are you kidding me?

I've been gone enjoying the freedom that the world has to offer. I really have. To be honest, I gave a big old fashioned "SCREW THE INTERWEBZ"...

I got a summons from my good buddy Jesus, and he said "You know what you've gotta do? You've gotta spread the good word."

I'm like, "Listen, I go to church, I like you, a whole lot, but I don't know enough to preach-"

He cut me off. "I'm talking about that black dude. You know, the one that's only called half white when he does something stupid? Like now. Now that the Health Care Bill passed, he'll be half white."

"Oh. Yeah, Jesus. I know who you mean. That one. The one with the oversized gas hogging custom pimp limo. Right."

So I'm here now. I won't rest until this thing is sent back to the void and emptiness from which it came. Which is kind of odd, because I don't quite know how you'd fit a bill / law / novel between Nancy Pelosi's ears...

I Win Again

For my 150th post, I tell you one thing.

Ha.

That's Right.

Ha.

I was right. I told you. A big flat iPhone. Sure the black strip didn't go all the way across, but I can be wrong every now and then right? Else my perfection just gets a little boring. I can't wait to get my hands on this thing.

Thank you again, Steve.

iPhone To Directly Influence The Tablet

Oh, have I missed this place - but hark; I come bearing gifts of good news.

Jobs' and Ive's design ideas were spot on the first time around. The metal back of the first iPhone was a hit on all design fronts: simple, elegant, bold yet subdued. The only problem was that it was almost too flat, if you can believe that.

Too flat or too thin? iProducts? Never! No such thing, right?

Wrong.

That same form factor is coming back. Albeit, with more tapered edges, like the MacBook Air, you're going to see a giant iPhone next Wednesday. Until you actually turn on the device, it will look exactly like a wider, longer iPhone. From the glass and black front, to a metal bezel, to the anodized aluminum back - complete with that black plastic strip across the length of the device.

Ever see that story about the iPhone that got run over by a truck? Now imagine the truck was carrying a house. That's the idea of what you're going to be seeing here. The ultimate hybrid. Something that looks just like an iPhone, but with something that looks just like OS X. The happy marriage in the middle is what we're all going to have to wait and see.

I'm right again, and you'll all see come next Wednesday. If not... Well then I'll just disappear in cowering fear for as long as I have been.

Oh, happy 2010 fellow Interweberz.