Thursday, December 27, 2007

This is why I hate Hummers.

This morning. I woke up at 11:30. (Ok, this afternoon.) I was suddenly struck with them hungries.

There's this little corner store. On the corner. I swear to God there is. My idea is to skip breakfast and head to lunch, because I know the people that own it and they're marketing pros. They could make a rich man want a ham sandwich. Someone else in the city apparently had another idea.

I live just below a hill. That leads to a main road in my city. For the life of me, I can't understand why people don't know that when it SNOWS it gets SLIPPERY. Does anyone else on this earth live in a town / city / hickville where when it first snows, everyone suddenly forgets how to drive? Well it's been snowing here for 2 months, and I guess there's just so much of it that no one can ever learn how to drive again. Looks like I'll be trying to avoid things like this for a while.

I go to turn the corner, and what do I see skiing down the hill with brakes locked, but a snow white hummer. Who is behind the wheel but a blinged-out wanna-be hollywood pill popper, jaw dropped and eyes wide. Obviously surprised that his 3 quarter ton SUV has a hard time stopping at high speeds.

So I have a green light. Apparently, there was some mystical error. He had a green light too. In his eyes, he had more green than the garden of eden and the Jolly Giant combined. So naturally, I stopped because I see this dick in an Amtrak barreling down the hill, and I guess he saw me gunning it. He slams the brakes, and this hummer skids sideways through the intersection. He continues down the street at an angle, until the truckbuscar decided it would regain traction. So still at an angle, he starts heading towards that glorious deli that I was going to.

He either hit it or stopped an inch from the door, until he figured out that a Hummer won't fit on the Queens bridge, much less through a few little rocks, and even still a delicatessen's double doors.

Screw that. I turned around, came home, flipped on Orange County Choppers and had a roast beef sandwich. Damn straight. See / hear / know nothing, and you have no worries.

Oh, and if you own a Hummer, do the world a favor.

Flip it, scrap it, and buy a 1960 VW Bus. Wanna keep that pimped out look? Hippie flower decals. See? Problem solved.

Save the tankcars for the deserts of the middle east, not for the trip to your local Wal*Mart.


Anonymous said...

I still cannot understand why anyone in their right mind thinks a "GM Blowjob" is a cool vehicle? Impractical, over priced, wasteful and pathetically ugly design.

Anonymous said...

To all idiotic Hummer haters get your facts straight and your head out of your ass. Take a good look at all large SUVs and pick on something else for a change. The media singled out the Hummer as a gas hog now all small minded loud mouths think the Hummer is satan with wheels. Point your fingers and bitch about Suburban, Escalade or Sequoia. Or better yet shut the fuck up.

Skippy said...

If you're comparing the Suburban to the Hummer, I challenge you to find an area where the Hummer is better - aside from rock crawling - and I understand how practical that is in downtown L.A.

There's a reason the Hummer brand just got offed by GM. It's made for the military, for the sands and rough terrain of the rough Middle-East. Not the potholes in Miami.

Prove something to me. If you can live through sucking on an idling Hummer H1 exhaust tip for 10 minutes, I'll concede. Really. Please. Give it a go.