Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Fuck. Phones.


Fuck it. See that picture?

No you don't because Blogger decided to be slow and tick me off further.

Fuck it.

The crappy web pages not loading, internet being slow as hell, and people rocking the Voyager.

I loathe that thing. With a passion. That burns like a thousand suns. If you own a Voyager, feel free to leave your comments in anger towards my position. Fine. Not my fault simply walking by a Verizon stand at a mall or something just gets me pissed.

It doesn't help when they ask me about my phone service either. AT&T owns you. More bars. More places. My mini-computer suits my needs, and I don't need a 7.2 megapixel camera, or take half hour videos to slip in my pocket, or the basic need to make calls - because honestly, when you own an iPhone, do you use it primarily for calls? No. It advances the male ego, and it is good.

...and yes I'll shamelessly promote them. When Verizon as a company can stop scooting their asses around the carpet of their corporate office, and realize the deal they lost out on by telling Apple "No" - which I may add, no one should dare - and they realize that the greatest little 3 inch piece of touch screen technology from the Cupertino desk of Steven P. Jobs is what everyone around them is trying to catch up with, I'll consider their Microshit-like Monopoly.

I just read something...

Where the fuck was it...


It says that "Verizon smokes a fat one while Cingular/AT&T shits on them and grabs the greatest handset on the market" - and you won't see that in there because every news columnist that writes about things like that is too afraid to go against a corporate giant and bash them like they've deserved for years.

Their internet service sucks - needless to say Time Warner in my area took over and sucks harder and longer - their phone service sucks - needless to say Time Warner in my area took over and sucks longer and harder - and I hate their employees. Every single one of the little grey-clad bastards.

Tell me the Voyager has GPS.

I need my phone to have GPS... so I can stand it up on my dashboard, or look down at my cup holder for the next left, or in New York State like everyone else does, hold it with one hand, watch it with one eye, and use my remaining available senses to stop at a red light without impaling the Prius in front of me. Which, I'm not gonna lie, I've wanted to do on more than one occasion.

No not use my phone - the Prius part.

What can I say. I'm a brand loyal person. If your tastes don't meet mine, I'm not gonna sugar coat it and say that "well, it's what you like that matters"... No. It means that you simply don't have my same perfect taste, and that's a damn shame, and it sucks to be you, and until you wake up, and smell your Folger's Premium Roast Mudpie, you will never learn.

Speaking of which, let me take this time for a lesson in happiness.

If you want to experience perfection, buy ONLY the following brands in their respective lines:
General Motors
and whatever is found on the hood of Nascar Nextel Cup stock cars in the top 20 in points.

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