Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Fuck. Phones.


Fuck it. See that picture?

No you don't because Blogger decided to be slow and tick me off further.

Fuck it.

The crappy web pages not loading, internet being slow as hell, and people rocking the Voyager.

I loathe that thing. With a passion. That burns like a thousand suns. If you own a Voyager, feel free to leave your comments in anger towards my position. Fine. Not my fault simply walking by a Verizon stand at a mall or something just gets me pissed.

It doesn't help when they ask me about my phone service either. AT&T owns you. More bars. More places. My mini-computer suits my needs, and I don't need a 7.2 megapixel camera, or take half hour videos to slip in my pocket, or the basic need to make calls - because honestly, when you own an iPhone, do you use it primarily for calls? No. It advances the male ego, and it is good.

...and yes I'll shamelessly promote them. When Verizon as a company can stop scooting their asses around the carpet of their corporate office, and realize the deal they lost out on by telling Apple "No" - which I may add, no one should dare - and they realize that the greatest little 3 inch piece of touch screen technology from the Cupertino desk of Steven P. Jobs is what everyone around them is trying to catch up with, I'll consider their Microshit-like Monopoly.

I just read something...

Where the fuck was it...


It says that "Verizon smokes a fat one while Cingular/AT&T shits on them and grabs the greatest handset on the market" - and you won't see that in there because every news columnist that writes about things like that is too afraid to go against a corporate giant and bash them like they've deserved for years.

Their internet service sucks - needless to say Time Warner in my area took over and sucks harder and longer - their phone service sucks - needless to say Time Warner in my area took over and sucks longer and harder - and I hate their employees. Every single one of the little grey-clad bastards.

Tell me the Voyager has GPS.

I need my phone to have GPS... so I can stand it up on my dashboard, or look down at my cup holder for the next left, or in New York State like everyone else does, hold it with one hand, watch it with one eye, and use my remaining available senses to stop at a red light without impaling the Prius in front of me. Which, I'm not gonna lie, I've wanted to do on more than one occasion.

No not use my phone - the Prius part.

What can I say. I'm a brand loyal person. If your tastes don't meet mine, I'm not gonna sugar coat it and say that "well, it's what you like that matters"... No. It means that you simply don't have my same perfect taste, and that's a damn shame, and it sucks to be you, and until you wake up, and smell your Folger's Premium Roast Mudpie, you will never learn.

Speaking of which, let me take this time for a lesson in happiness.

If you want to experience perfection, buy ONLY the following brands in their respective lines:
General Motors
and whatever is found on the hood of Nascar Nextel Cup stock cars in the top 20 in points.

Friday, April 18, 2008

For the love of i

Not myself. The love of all things i.

A tainted iPhone. Including a slide out keyboard.

Who the hell in the name of the Dali Llama would go for that thing?

Steve was entirely against 2 things a year ago - both cheap plastic components. A stylus, who yuck, nobody wants... and the slide-out plastic keyboard. It's a load of bullshit - or billshiza as I hear it called in some ghettos.

I have spent the last few days getting over a cough and a cleansed sewer, and this is the thanks the universe gives me for promoting purity? Screw this.

In other news. Skippy is on his way to a shiny new - ok old - Camaro. It's a past drag car, and the rear wheels are like something you'd find on John Force's car, and I love it.

It's 4 g's son.

I'd drop that. Hell I dropped half that on a phone.

I don't buy anything else. All else is unnecessary. Obsolete. Crap.

More as time flies son. Discuss.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Deep Thought

Skippy has been a little out of it.

It involves lemon juice, maple syrup and Joe Thorton.

Yeah. Holmes is cool.

I'll return this weekend.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Heh heh heh

I do a 5 day hiatus every month. At least...

This time though, I'm digging up dirt on a certain something.

Look for detailed iPhone games via a new improved accelerometer.

Be ready for an unbelievably easy way to accept iCal invites with a new feature.

All thinner than you thought.

iPhone 2.0 - on it's way... Somewhere.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Oh Smack

Is my rant on the preppy shoppers still creating a buzz?

I suppose this is how Martha Stewart exploded... and in the same vain I think it's time to shut this down.

Skippy keeps on a-roaring through the Interwebz at blazing fast 1999 speeds. This rocks.

Excuse me while I go back to counting my green made from the largest retail chain in America, and not of the hand shaped variety. You know what I mean creepy old guy.

I'm listening to Burger Man by ZZ Top and calling some hippie creepy. I should be ashamed.

I'm not one for anonymous posts. It drags down my blog's overall happiness.The happy uplifting letters of hope you've come to know. One comment is from a kid with 2 profile views, and no blog at all, and the other is from a kid who believes social networking is the literal definition of posting a single entry on how he's a lazy sod who doesn't like gyms and how donuts are healthy as building blocks for that leaning tower over in France or something. I didn't get it. See for yourself.

There's a reason I don't just give out my personal details, such as money. How could I take away the reason that allows me to bitch about the Trump Tower dwellers from the view of the Trailer Trash millions? I would come up with a clever comeback to respond to their highly intellectual comments like last time, but I simply don't have the vast superior knowledge of all things literature and numerical... shame.

Oh, and yes, my tears are shed for those of you reading this from their silver streak twinkie house.

Loved or hated, it's working. You probably aren't sure what it is, and it ain't Cher. I hear something. A small but growing buzzing sound...

Friday, April 4, 2008

3G fakePhone

Has anyone seen this thing?

The 3G iPhone.


I mean clever ColorWare mockup of a Black iPhone edited to take out the seam between the antennae and the metal.

Whoever has the time to go out and do this is a blazing moron.

Hm, I've never known Apple to ever put an engraving on anything other than Chrome (All of the chrome-backed iPods) and the metals found on the iPhone, second generation Nano, and recent Shuffles. Perhaps another little tech wonder slipped by me, being awake for 2 hours, but let's think people. This is a glossy black, probably plastic, shit, thing. Why would Apple engrave plastic?

Holy. Crap.

Crap crap crap.

People, don't fall victim to idiocy. I know it's hard, but please try not to be a blubbering blundering moron every waking second of your existence. Do the best you can.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Skippy On The Rise

And fall - I hit a high yesterday of 118 on Blog Toplist. This is an exciting time for all of us --

I mean...

This is great. That's the highest I've ever been.

I surmise it had something to do with my controversial rich person rant.

Rock on. I need to vent more often.

Didn't post yesterday because you would all just think I'm April Fooling you - and I don't want to let down my loyalists.

I mean followers.

I mean fans.

So, now I'm at 156. That's ok. It's better than not existing there at all.