Now THIS is Boom.

I had a bit of excitement this morning.

No, that isn't my laptop. I thought for a bit that it could be though. So it got me a little concerned.

The Apple Battery Exchange Program did however include my G4 iBook.

Yup.

It also did include the model number of my battery, A1061.

Yup.

One thing though, my serial numbers don't match. So what does this mean Apple? Is it that you only accept certain batteries that may explode, and mine is still one of them? So all I have to do is prepare myself for the day my intestines are blown through my back? Or is it that I really am safe and have nothing to worry about?

Ah well. My fate is in Steve's hands. Is that a good thing?

In lighter news, I'm really enjoying the ease of use in Apple Mail. It's really great stuff. All of my gmail items at the click of a button. I read them, and delete them, and they're still held in my actual gmail account, just in case I need to go back and get something else. I don't know for what reason, but you never know. Lost old passwords to sites that I haven't visited in years. That sort of deal.

Yeah, my mind is still on the explode-a-battery that may or may not be sitting on my knee like a bouncing little bratty kid. If that kid were of course a ticking time bomb waiting for the moment you go to search Kittens in Google Images and come up with something like this.

I bet you thought that it was going to be some sarcastic or oddly humorous photo of a ninja cat fighting a dog or something like that. Nah. I love cats. I swear to God I do.

Great creatures. Just ask any Egyptian you know. They love 'em. You'll hear all about it.

Right On Brother

Everything I do, I don't do for you. I do it for me. Why, you ask? So I can profit off of your curiosity, of course.

I have spent the last 2 days submitting this blog to all of the top blog directories and promotion sites out there. It was a tiring effort, that seemed to be a nonstop lost cause. However, just when your average human would give up, Skippy prevails.

Take a look on the right of my Blog. See that new snazzy section? If you hit the Google ad you've gone too far. Above it.

See?

No, right there.

Yes, there.

Blog directory list. Those are the sites I'm on that gave me a link back button thing. So in the spirit of the season, I humored them and put them on. You can rate me too, you know. You would have gathered that if you had read the section in depth, and may I remind you there is plenty of depth in there.

Well. It was also a chore, but I did it. Apple Mail. I finally set it up on my iBook. Not only do I have a person e-mail address of my own to accept important messages from friends family and loved ones, I also set up gmail so I can get that mail as well. With the click of a button and 10 seconds of my time. As opposed to the 2 clicks and 15 seconds it would take to get to gmail, but still, I'm a busy man.

So. Proceed to flood me with your inquiries of life, love, and the car chase of happiness, and I'll help you out with whatever snag you may have hit on your path to righteousness and free love. In the Hendrix / Beatles sense. Portrayed above.

Have any questions you want answered? Well not only can I answer them, I'll do it publicly. Just drop me a line at the address on the right of the page. Peace brothers and sisters.

This is why I hate Hummers.

This morning. I woke up at 11:30. (Ok, this afternoon.) I was suddenly struck with them hungries.

There's this little corner store. On the corner. I swear to God there is. My idea is to skip breakfast and head to lunch, because I know the people that own it and they're marketing pros. They could make a rich man want a ham sandwich. Someone else in the city apparently had another idea.

I live just below a hill. That leads to a main road in my city. For the life of me, I can't understand why people don't know that when it SNOWS it gets SLIPPERY. Does anyone else on this earth live in a town / city / hickville where when it first snows, everyone suddenly forgets how to drive? Well it's been snowing here for 2 months, and I guess there's just so much of it that no one can ever learn how to drive again. Looks like I'll be trying to avoid things like this for a while.

I go to turn the corner, and what do I see skiing down the hill with brakes locked, but a snow white hummer. Who is behind the wheel but a blinged-out wanna-be hollywood pill popper, jaw dropped and eyes wide. Obviously surprised that his 3 quarter ton SUV has a hard time stopping at high speeds.

So I have a green light. Apparently, there was some mystical error. He had a green light too. In his eyes, he had more green than the garden of eden and the Jolly Giant combined. So naturally, I stopped because I see this dick in an Amtrak barreling down the hill, and I guess he saw me gunning it. He slams the brakes, and this hummer skids sideways through the intersection. He continues down the street at an angle, until the truckbuscar decided it would regain traction. So still at an angle, he starts heading towards that glorious deli that I was going to.

He either hit it or stopped an inch from the door, until he figured out that a Hummer won't fit on the Queens bridge, much less through a few little rocks, and even still a delicatessen's double doors.

Screw that. I turned around, came home, flipped on Orange County Choppers and had a roast beef sandwich. Damn straight. See / hear / know nothing, and you have no worries.

Oh, and if you own a Hummer, do the world a favor.

Flip it, scrap it, and buy a 1960 VW Bus. Wanna keep that pimped out look? Hippie flower decals. See? Problem solved.

Save the tankcars for the deserts of the middle east, not for the trip to your local Wal*Mart.

So I just got back...

from this Christmas party with all the tech folks here in Central New York. It was out in like Herkimer or something, and I almost killed some fox on the way there because it decided that it's walkway was the middle of a highway. If kids have crosswalks, then why don't the freaking animals? Just because they defecate where they please, I'm supposed to believe that they can go where they want when they want and do whatever they want at any time of day? Screw you, woodland creatures. Yes, I'm talking to you because you read this blog.

Anyway. I got chocolate from everyone there. I found that funny. They all know me that well, even if I'm not in that time of the month. Still...

See. Analyze an image relating to that in your mind, and see if you ever get to sleep tonight.

I need to start wrapping fake gifts so I can put them under my fake tree so I can give them to fake people I like. Do I look forward to it? Yes and no. On one hand, I get to spread the pure joy that a human being can only truly experience in the form of a gift from your truly. A small token of my appreciation of their existence, even if they act like total blundering morons 99% of every day of their lives. Gotta love 'em. I swear to God you do. It says so in the Bible. Or the Torah. Or in here.

I will tell you. The Nogasaki is something that should be un-fooled around with. Yes, like that orange juice, the fine Italian wine that can be found in my collection. Powerful crap. I'll tell you that much. If you're not careful it'll knock you on your ass in a minute.

Oh proverbial sigh.

I want to go back on vacation.

Which reminds me, Fake Steve is doing just fine. All that Apple bull - yeah, he's got it under control. Details are on the down low, or whatever they say nowadays. Rest assured, he'll be fine. So don't worry about worrying about my worrying about FSJ. All is well in the faux Apple kingdom, and Dear Leader will let it all blow over in no time.

Well...

Looks like I'm gonna get to gift wrapping. Then I'll be off to sleep so I can wait for this man to crawl down my chimney, and raid my home for no good purpose. He probably just wants to scope the place so Vinny, Vito, and Lenny the Squid can take me out.

Oh man. Nogasaki's taking affect.

Yup. Goodnight.

BAM IT'S SPAM!

Riot at the IGN Holiday Spam Board! Free for all! As Ted Nugent would say.

Amen to that. Back later. Out for some Nogasakis now. Peace holmes.

Alright, so I WAS on a 2 week leave...

...and I know I didn't tell you.

So?

Suck it up. I'm back at the reigns now aren't I? Relax. Papa Skippy is back to guide your lives on the path of righteousness, realization and buying the right Apple products. Speaking of which. Fake Steve Jobs.

Alright.

Whatwhatwhat?

Apparently there are still some people that still spend so much time at their desks that they not only lost that program that they were working on for 2 weeks, they also forgot that they put their sense of humor in the bottom of their coffee cup right next to the old cigarette. Hey, look what they made!

Some people just need to get lives, and jobs. No, not of the Steve variety. Surprisingly. Yes, for the first time in my life, I'm against Apple. This is just... Whoa. It's FSJ. You don't mess with FSJ. That's like internet rule number 2. Aside from enabling keyloggers to track every single thing your kids do online. Screw parental controls. Control your children.

For whatever reason, whatever they may have, Apple wants to tear down FSJ from the blogside out. Apparently they don't like something he said. What? Who the hell knows. They won't say. I guess they're just bored. They say it's specifically 3 of his entries. Which one out of all of them? No idea. It's a guessing game.

Rock on Fake Steve Jobs. As David Bowie would say...

It's the holidays. Can't we wait to sue one another until after everyone gets drunk for New Years? Odds are no one's gonna remember anything anyway, and isn't that the true meaning of this time of year? Wait.

Ok that could have been worded better.

Isn't getting drunk-

Crap.

Drinking-

Crap.

Ok. Forget that. Really. My law enforcement brethren wouldn't like that. I swear to God they wouldn't.

I'll elaborate more about FSJ when I know more. Which should be soon. Come on, I see, hear, and know all. Do you expect me to be kept in the dark about anything? I'm not just another person. It takes someone unique to be on my level. One day you might. With a lot of work and some high flying soulful hallelujahs, you might do it. You never know.

Then there's always the simply pay homage to me method. In which you send my your unwanted unused or broken Apple products. There's always that.

NAMASTE I SAY. Keep FSJ alive. Hear me brothers and sisters. HEAR ME!

Keep Your iPod Warm This Winter.

The iPod Sock. Yes, that's right. Even your iPod would like a christmas sweater this non-denominational holiday season.

As you gather around the non-belief-specific festive shrub on the morning of the birthday of a child somewhere, you'll know that one of your siblings will be hit with a Mack Truck full of wonder and mysteriosness. Mysterioso. Mysteriousa. Oh hell, I mean "child-like wonder", ok Apple? Holy trademarked phrases...

So on this upcoming day of celebration for a religious-specific reason, why not get someone an iPod sock, and perhaps the grill of that big-ass rig will come hurdling into your living room to bestow a radiant glow of joy on the face of those who believe in Jesus, and everyone will be up the creek without so much as a twig.

Oops.

I can't even take my own advice.

Ridiculous, right?

That nog. I swear...

Anyway, I was watching The Office tonight, and I had an epiphany. No I didn't see this man again.

It involves Saki, and Nog. What can I make from this you ask? Nogasaki.

That's right. You read that. Nogasaki.

Saki... and Nog... and I want it.

Another thing I realized I have to see a new film coming out soon, one you may know. Surprised? I know! It's on your level! Walk Hard, my friends. The Dewey Cox story. Anyone notice the fact that it's a parody of Johnny Cash, yet the movie poster is a play on a Doors album cover? I hear ya.

Thought I'd fill you in. I have a killer headache. You can guess it's from whatever the hell is inside that magical carton of wonderment.

Oh. The Mitchell Report. Funny stuff. Maybe the Yankees can go out and buy another 26 championships. Who's gonna step up? I want to see a bigass MYBADSON from some huge airhead that "accidentally" took steroids to bat balls around at 200mph.

Honestly. Just go grab a Monte Carlo off eBay and head to Daytona. You'll be much safer. Try taking mind altering drugs and driving in Nascar. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Just Say No

You have no idea. Honestly.

You kids think you've got it bad, with your worrying that you could get addicted to drugs or something. Let me tell you. Your school teachers don't know jack.

Notice at all how I haven't been around here, or anywhere for that fact in a while?

I'm telling you. It can become a major problem. No, not the drugs or the alcohol. I'm talking about cream colored holiday cheer. The kind of shit that can land you behind bars if you decide to take your fathers deep purple '72 GTO out after a tall cold one. Some of you are thinking, no, this can't happen to me... but yes, it could happen.

You probably think it's funny or something. How can I get hooked on some drink? It's not like Pepsi. When you pour this ice cold brew, you immediately lose sight of everything around you. That could happen, and probably will.

It's unreal. It really is, but let me tell you, it's the real thing. It's strong stuff, no matter what you think, and no matter how much you believe, and no matter how you try to water it down.

Friends, family, apprentices, clansmen...

Stay the hell away from eggnog this holiday season. Think of your kids. Please.

It's Off

The Thorson / Thorton wars are over, AND I WIN!

Victory! Chalk another one up for good ol' Skippy.

That sodding blog is blank. Yup, you heard me. Blank. Like the oval office on Dubbya's birthday.

Yet I don't know why it's void of his previous posts. (Like I miss them or something.)

So wait, is this really over?

Is this his sick method of a sneak attack on me, or my iBook, or my Blog, or my iPod(s)? I'm on to you.

Or is it just that last night was an incredibly weak single attempt at something that he realized this morning he couldn't accomplish, and he thus eliminated his blog? If that's the case, then why is his profile still up, along with his entire layout?

Crap.

I have things to do, places to meet, people to come to me, I can't worry about this.

Oh snap. Someone's calling me on iBook. Via Gizmo Project for Mac. Could be a kickass lead to something big. Gtg, ttyl, bbq, and all that.

It's On

Let's do this.

Do you honestly think you have what it takes to go against me?

You don't know the mess you've just gotten into.

I am the great provider. As stated here in my first post. You can't honestly believe that you can give everyone what they want. That's why they come to me. I know what they want. Who's they? Look around you.

Yeah, that's right. You read that correctly. I assume. Want even further proof?

Owned. So they say these days.

There are some things that can't be replaced or replicated. Wal-Mart, Ramen, the G4 iMac, Mount Dew Pitch Black... Not the second one - that sour shit, you know? That was just rancid.

I'm harder better faster and stronger than you will ever be... and yes, I just stole that from the hit Kanye West song. Why? Well, because it's got the mad phat beats.

You... Wow.

Even Sir Bono couldn't forgive you for that. Not even Michael Eisner. Not even this man.

Do you feel lucky? Do ya? Punk.

Everybody, this sad sack is Joe Thorton, and this what I've warned you about. I hope I've taught you well enough not to listen to those kinds of people. Even if they offer you candy... or free CRT Monitors. Sure our last names sound alike, but there's a reason I have a snow white blog of purity.

Just keep in mind what exactly happened to the flagship white handheld wonders once the black iPod came along. Yeah. Don't let that happen twice. Even the weak such as yourself can resist. Do it for the kids, or whatever inspires you. The PS3 or something. I don't know... Aw crap.

Great, you left the defroster off

Let me be frank. I live in the northeast, and we're all gonna be fucked.

If this is any indication of what is to come this winter, Cupertino is going to be hearing even more of me.

Maybe there's a reason I don't own any Christmas cds. Maybe there's a reason I don't / can't play ice hockey. Perhaps, just maybe, there's some unknown reason why I didn't go outside, cut down a tree that could otherwise provide me with air, bring it inside, decorate it for Jesus, put crap for my family under it, most of which I'll probably never see after December 26th, throw the tree out to the curb when I'm done, and proceed to clean up the mess myself.

Sounds like the meaning of the holidays, doesn't it?

Matt Lauer knows about meaning. Kudos en masse go out to him for defending the Nintendo Wii against buying shares of stock for Christmas on the Today show. What a guy.

Ow.

Oh, I forgot a small detail! I destroyed my wrist in an on-ice experience, and as much as I know you'll miss me, I'll have to take it easy. Doc's orders.

I'll miss you too. Really.

If you see the guys who did this to me, they had bike chains. One had a tire iron. Leather coats on all of them. Something about angels on the back... Festive bastards.