We're Not Lost

So I haven't posted in the last 2 days - I know. I try to keep it to at least 1 post every other day, but sometimes, big important people have a lot of big and important things to do.

For instance...

The power in my city's only high school went out today, and I had to be there to make sure that all the computers made it through. Rather. I had to be sure the Macs made it through. Which they did. Just fine.

The power at my local college went out too. That was funny. I had the only operating computer in the entire commons area. My glowing Apple logo a beacon for all the people to see. I'm sure of it. I know what they wished they wanted just then. Anything with an Apple logo.

I hear ya.

So. I'm sitting here, as I speak. Or type. Watching Lost. Are you noticing what I'm noticing?

What the hell is that little scrolling text box of crap that no one cares about? It's a blatant statement of 2 things. 1, the writers of the show, whoever they may be, must think everyone watching is an utter blazing moron, and 2, whoever wrote the crap in that scrolling text box is an utter blazing moron.

I got little hints tell me that one guy was an avid pheasant hunter. I don't care.

They just told me the Island faces a threat from the Others. I don't care.

I've known that since it was introduced last season. which was... what, 2002?

If I see the word Others on my screen one more time, I'm going to end up finding out what people mean when they say "plasma".

Oh, and Jack with a beard looks just wrong.

Well. There is much work to be done. I do believe I am officially hired at Wal*Mart. However, that Donate button on the side... Yeah. That's staying. I still need those high-end blogging funds.

So. Go Patriots, and amen to new House right after that. Peace.

Amen Matt Lauer

..and the rest of the Today Show cast.

They all raved over MacBook Air. Even Fake Steve caught on. I figured he would.

Note to self, and general public: Watch more Today Show, and praise them when they praise Apple.

I thought I'd share. I think I'm even closer to being employed. I have to pass a drug test for Wal*Mart - cause I guess they think they're the CIA now. Whatever. I'm game. All for iPhone... and a silver 1970 Chevelle, but, you know. Keep it simple. iPhone first.

This is going to be an exciting time.

Wow I sounded like I work for Steve.

I want iPhone. I'm like, almost a year behind the rest of earth. Someone's playing a joke on me. They told everyone within a half hour of my house to not hire me. Odds are they have wanted signs with my face on them behind the counter.

Then again, you wouldn't know. None of you have ever seen me.

So does that mean I don't really exist at all?

Pfft. Of course not. I've made all of your lives better for months now. What would you do without me?

Don't answer that. I know what you're thinking already. A world without me wouldn't be a world at all. I hear ya. That's ok. Uncle Skippy's here, and he's gonna teach you the wonders of hunting.

Let's do this. Cheney-style.

Vegas Finale

So. Pictured is the fire at its height. As of now, it is under control.

Apparently, they evacuated floors 25 and higher of the 32 story building. You can bet your spouse's life savings that if I were on the first floor in the lobby, I would be hauling ass towards the door.

CNN is showing pictures on tv right now of the toasty mess that is the roof of the luxurious building.

"Maids were running down the hallways knocking on doors and yelling fire, so I guess that's their alarm system" - Eric Wappel / Koppel of CNN. Didn't catch the last name.

Good to know people around the world still keep a sense of humor even in situations like that.

I tip my Garth-esque Stetson hat to everyone that set things right out in Vegas today, and I hope I was able to provide you with some bit of interesting news leading into the weekend.

Now, let's all sit back, relax, watch The Apprentice that we recorded yesterday, and prepare ourselves for a Garth Brooks concert.

One more repetitive time, praises to CNN. I wonder if they'll pay me for the promotion? I do have that donate button.

Vegas Update #2

You know what, is anyone doing anything?

Do I have to fly down there? Damn it. I thought today would be easy.

Don't make me start throwing buckets of Smart Water at this place. So help me, I'll do it if no one else will...

Thanks to wizbandpop.com for the update and picture. I guess. Interesting site name. I'm sort of still thinking about that.

I don't think I've ever surfed faster or harder in my life. In Safari Browser terms, of course. However, CNN on tv is telling me things are being taken care of. Looks like the problem may be over. I didn't wanna have to fire up the SkippyMobile or SkippyForce1 anyway.

Fuel prices... you know the deal.

Vegas Update

Yup. There goes the sign.

The same route the car-of-the-same-name went...

When the title of the building represented by said sign is gone, you know what's up. Hope those rich people can rebuild. Rock on rich people.

Hope they're Indian... I'm part Native American, and let me tell you, we know what's good in the ways of business.

Thanks to KESQ.com for the update.

Stick with Skippy throughout the day, to find out which news teams are on their feet. Jolly good fun as the Queen would say. I think.

This is why we don't smoke in public

Ok, Skippy is a big fan of Vegas. I love the place. You can't find anywhere else on earth where you'll blatantly see how far we've come in terms of modernization and sheer hostile takeover of a once empty land of nothingness.

Well. I'm out at my college - yes, I'm in college (huck farvard) if I've never told you before - and there's a tv mounted on the wall giving the commons area a rather nice quaint hospital-like setting. On this tv, is blasting information that the Monte Carlo Casino in Las Vegas is basically going up in flames from the roof down.

It's in 3 of the wings of the hotel, and even more recent than that picture, it's about 4 or 5 floors down into the hotel, and even deeper within the structure.

Now. Do I like gambling? No. I'm a cheap sod. Have I ever been to Las Vegas? Nope. Never will. Too expensive, and too far away. I enjoy my slum / hick town. Which... is improving, thanks to a new Mayor... but topic at hand.

Why am I affected by this?

Because I sat down, heard the words Monte, Carlo, and Fire in the same sentence, thought something went down at General Motors, and immediately became interested.

I'm only telling you now because I haven't seen all you lovely folks in a while, and thought this would make for interesting breaking news. Plus anyone searching Google for it, may find me.

Gotta stay on top of strategy, you know.

I'll keep you posted on this, and the Garth Brooks concert that's airing tonight.

Retired he says.

Keep country rockin' Garth. Amen.

Anyhow - big thanks to USA Today and CNN for the news. People wonder why I watch CNN. Believe me now? I hear ya.

So Much For The Dark Night

Sorry to report, looks like Heath Ledger overdosed and ultimately ended his career. Entirely.

Now, yes, I know this blog is normally about humor. Yes, I know his death isn't funny.

However.....

No. No puns.

I do want to see him do the Batman sequel. Normally. I hate Batman. It's terrible. However, The Joker is a sick and twisted faux villain. What's not to like?

Unfortunate that's the last time we'll all see him act. Come on. He's an Aussie. Everyone loves Aussies.

Hm. That's all I think.

...Before I make some joke about drugs, and something like if you can't handle fame, don't walk onto center stage chasing a penny.

Word.

Wait.

Crap.

Sorry.

Peace.

The Final Countdown

Hear it?

That's Europe playing in the background.

The clock is winding down. To one of the most important moments in my life. This even could change history. Not only for me, but for al of you. How? Well, because I affect all of you, believe it or not. I have an impact on your life regardless of the fact that I never see you.

Yes, friends. This is what the every man dreams of. The day where his life is decided. Whether he is chosen to move up in the world or if he is simply destined to fade out with time. A legend never dies - he just gets older. Or something like that.

It was from Smokey and the Bandit. Look it up. World's biggest game of chicken and all that.

Today. Is the day. The Lord has made. It's going to be a good day, because the day is filled with great things. Such as life, liberty, and the pursuit of joyousness. I hope.

You too will all have your life figured out in no time. My time however comes before yours, and it is soon.

I can only be talking about one thing.

The one goal that every man woman and child wants before they either die or buy a Hoveround.

That goal is of course...

A job at Wal*Mart.

Later holmes.

Come on Sam

Still trying to finalize that Wal*Mart deal.

I'm pulling a Garth Brooks here. Trying to pull out all the marketing heavy-hitters. Sam is the only one who cam come through for me now. Him or Lou. Lou's funny. I swear to God he is.

Oh, how I want to work in Wal*Mart. For their every day one stop shopping... and employee discounts.

Ah yes, words of wisdom for this week, if you ever get the chance to hit first name basis with a Wal*Mart manager, do it. Again, more as this develops.

Kodak: World

The Apprentice.

Again.

Gene's slogan was the only reason I would ever buy a Kodak product. Personally, I would never buy one. Only because why should I? You see, there's that little company named Hewlett-Packard that sort of, um, sets standards in that department.

Yes I watched it. However, my tech services have been in high demand lately. I've been doing audio for local productions. What does this lead me to want? Sleep.

I'll make it short. When I come back to this topic, you can bet it's going to include a lot of the "Benevolent Dictator", Gene Simmons. I already miss him.

Which also reminds me. I may finally have a job. Who knows. I can't say much, because nothing is finalized.

More as this develops.

In the meanwhile, Gene, go back to doing what you do. It's funnier and more about you. Trump is unnecessary, and same for his hair.

Whoa

I want Time Capsule.

It sounds great.

Plus, I didn't know a single thing about it, which makes it better.

I still sorta wish Steve had gone with a Touch Tablet thing.

That's right, I'm still hopeful for iMac Touch.

Need them sleeps now.

Long Mac-ful day.

Thanks Steve.

Hey!

Why did my "It's Showtime" picture change to a MacRumors.com Apple photo thing?

Is someone on to me? Am I gonna be shut down?

Oh well.

Hey - I forgot, I may be too late. Firmware update to the Touch as well as iPhone, and the highly debated movie rental system via the iTunes Store.

Peace holmes. I'm not gonna watch any of it. I want Dear Leader to surprise me live. Rather... Pre-recorded. Visually. You know. I want the know the wonder as those sitting there did.

Let me know how it goes? Ok. Keep your eyes in your head and if you feel them rolling, ask someone to give you a brick slap in the back of the head.

Not too hard. You'll go blind.

Today is the Day

Ladies and gentlemen please, would you bring your attention to me.

Ok, enough Saliva quotes.

We're about to be blown over. I had to say it.

Steve-O is going to bring out the big guns today, I can feel it. Perhaps not via the 48 hour legend that is Macbook Air, and no, he's not renaming iTunes. I just know that he's going to revolutionize a product that we would have never guessed needed revolutionizing.

It can be used with a 12 inch screen or a 42 inch screen. You will be able to count the buttons on your hands. So minimalistic, that you just may not know where to begin. It's more fabled than the iPhone ever was.

Have you guessed it?

No?

Steve will be giving you the gift of entertainment. This will be the item to make a killer revision debut today.

No, I'm kidding.

Oh, I wanted to mention, iPhone firmware update, 3G iPhone, iPhone SDK, Slimline Laptop, and touch features you only wish you could have dreamed of last night.

How do I know this? Well, 'tis nothing more than a mere hunch.

...or is it?

Oh, I knew I loved this blog for some reason. What would you people ever do without me? That's right. Productive work.

Let's see how I did on my predictions around 4pm, shall we?

Donate to Skippy

I'm shameless. You know, like that song by Billy Joel? More famously Garth Brooks. Shameless?

No?

Well you can guess what it's about. Today. It inspired me.

I have no shame. Therefore, ergo, in conclusion, and all that other Matrix crap, I have set up the Skippy Donation Fund!

In the right column, right under my About Me, I have provided a Donation button. What this does, is you click on it, you pick a price, and you just donate your spare meager pocket change to yours truly. Do you have to? No. Am I forcing you to? Not too much. Am I a pathetic sod? Absolutely. Do I happen to be jobless? Yes.

My sincerest coldolanses go out to Wal*Mart. I do indeed still want to be hired there. Sorry Sam. You're a great guy. You just happen to have terrible blenders.

Anyway. That's that.

Does it help a worthy deserving cause dedicated to helping animals or curing disease? Not at all, but it does allow my blog to haul ass through cyberspace. I've shown you the love! Why not show love to one of the greatest internet-exclusive legacies in history. In the form of spare change of course.

SOMEONE'S FORKING OVER THEIR SOUL

Duracrap...

Mother.

Fucking.

Durabrand.

Blender.

Almost set my house ablaze.

I had to return the first one I got because the blade was cracked and appeared to be soldered back on. Now, I sit here, with a half mixed smoothie in front of me, the rest of the puree in the fridge, and the unit's base taking it easy on my dining room floor.

Why?

Oh I'll tell you why, damn it.

I want a smoothie. I love smoothies. I could be on the Food Network when it comes to smoothies. So. I begin to mix this one, and it starts crackling and smoking.

Fuck.

This.

So I go out back, with the thing in my hand, ready to throw it if it explodes. It doesn't. It stops smoking. So I bring it back in. What the hell am I supposed to do, put it under water?

I put it on my floor and watch it, in case the bastard tries anything funny and erupts into a flaming ball of death. Inside of course. Fire extinguisher just across the room.

This little toasty piece of crap came from, where else? (I'll give you a guess.) Not Target, not Walgreens, not my local corner store.

Wal.

Fucking.

Mart.

The place that I've applied to every 2 months for the past 2 years. Literally. You know what, Sam Walton? You aren't good enough for me. You're old, if not dead. Why do I want to work in your slum store? Every day low prices? Fuck you. You and your prices.

Where's the humor in this entry? Read from the beginning again. This entire thing is funny. How the hell do you make such terrible products? Microsoft trumps this thing. Honestly. Coming from me, that means a lot.

Holy crap.

Oh well. Magic L word. Lawyer. Or is is Lawsuit? Oh well. If things work out in my favor, I won't be promoting this blog thing anymore. I'll be living up Clinton style. Someone, somewhere, is going to have their head taken from their shoulders. When it's over, I just may buy their house for kicks, and burn it to the ground. I'll have a package of Jet-Puffed Shmallows right next to me.

Gene to the Simmons!

Please tell me you watched The Apprentice again tonight.

The Donald's daughter got served by the marketing glam-rock god. Gene told her "she can wait", and apparently that's just not allowed. She became offended.

No, I'm offended by the fact that Donald and his hair can roam the streets. Freely and separately. Do I want to see that? No, not so much. I know he's a genius in the ways of business, and he's filthy rich, to the point where I basically want to just chuck 2 pennies at him, but really. If your last name is Trump, you're just asking to be tested.

So Gene Simmons and his team won again. Thanks in part to Trace Adkins and his voice in the commercial they did as their challenge. Leave it to the music superstars to take care of things. Not the Italian guy, or the wrestler, or even the British guy who no one has heard of. Gene will handle things.

Funny stuff, and to add to it, Stephen Baldwin is calling in brother Alec next week. Holy crap. That's just great. Yes, do give that kind man a ring, Stephen. He may even insult Trump-ess a little more.

Oh.

Britney Spears is nuts. There's the update. Some things just aren't worth my time.

Sort of like Asus Aura joke phone thing. Have you seen this piece of garbage? I understand it's a fake mockup, but honestly, does the home button have to look like the one on the iPhone, or was that requested by Windoze users?

Ah yes, thought I'd mention - first 2 Apprentice episodes air this Saturday, with a deleted scene in which Gene really tests mini-Trump. Must see. Honestly.

Best Friends

You can just see it now. Doc Phil is going to be all over Britney Spears like Omarosa on that British guy whom no one has heard of before.

You have no idea how tired I am. I've had some sort of cold / sars thing going on for the past few days. Do you know what it's like to have difficulty standing up? All I drink is Pepsi. Go figure.

I figured I'd just share that Brit Spears is going literal and decided she's going to talk in a mod accent. For those of you across the pond, and those who know anything about the world, you know what I'm saying.

I'll explain later. I need to crash.

No. Not from the Pepsi. Even if my Summer Mix has long since passed the "Best By" date. That's fine, really. I swear to God it is.

I'm just mad tired holmes. Need me them mucho sleeps.

More important world news tomorrow and / or as I join that sacred group of people labeled awake.

Oh. MacWorld is in 6 days. Who's excited?!

I hear ya. Too late for enthusiasm. Conan didn't seem to think so.

Endless Promotion

In a nutshell, I'm one big walking advertisement for Apple. Someone on the IGN Nascar board got an Apple laptop for Christmas, and I just read up on it.

That image is my response. Personally, when I read it over, all I'm getting out of it is that I need to cut back and find some actual hobbies.

Like going to New York City on my spare time to hit up 1, 2 or all 3 of the Apple stores there. See what my homies is be doing these days, or whatever they say nowadays.

That's right, I've yet to see the 5th Ave Apple store. It's a real work of art, or so I'm told. From folks who have been there to experience this new world wonder firsthand.

Yeah, I just put that on the list of things to do. Right next to actually start posting Mac tips here, find real hobbies that aren't related to the Apple Mafia, and then learn how to cook foods that don't include the words Ramen, Hot Pocket, or Kellogg's.

iMac Touch?

Have you people seen this image? This is by far my favorite of all.

Lately, there has been a lot of speculation around the tech community - namely the Apple Faithful - as to what the world will be treated to when Steve Jese-obs steps out onto the stage at this year's Macworld. Oh, how it seemed like a short time ago that planet earth was treated to the iPhone. Which by the way, I still don't own.

The thing is, everyone knows that Steve will be granting us some sort of thin laptop. There's no doubt. Even if there is some doubt. He's going to change lives again. He needs to work for Light Up A Life. I swear to God he does.

That mockup above, yeah that's the one I'm gunning for. The principle is that it is a tablet-like touch screen... thing, and it slides into an iMac-like dock. The whole thing then basically converts to a desktop-like iMac-like touch-like thing, and I probably just confused the hell out of you.

Ok.

Tablet pops into a dock that looks like an iMac, and while it's there, it charges for future portable use, as well as the fact that you can use it as a desktop with a standard Apple keyboard and mouse.

Then there are some things like this which just look like big iPhones, then there's this that look just like MacBooks, but with a huge trackpad for multi-touch functionality, and then there are things like this that are just optional if you want to stand out and look like the biggest egomaniac in your city.

Personally, I'd like a touch tablet type of thing. A 10 inch iPhone would be great. Especially if it plugged in to a 20 inch iMac-dock.

Speculation is great stuff. This is what Steve does best. He gets up our hope so much for an item, that we start going insane over 5 dozen fake mockups that are collectively little pieces of a product that he somehow makes us need even if there's no fesable way that we would go out and buy it. There's still some sort of spontaneous interest in the product for some random reason.

Which explains why I'm basically poor and want an iPhone. Which also reminds me, for some reason, that I have some things to get to on eBay. Some insanely great products. Some really great... Ok I'll stop. I'm looking for a Green Day EP. That I've only found from a seller in Britain. Of course. My friendly folks from across the pond come through for me again. Thanks, my fellow scone lovers!

Rock On, Current Late Night Talk Show Ruler

Jay Leno is possibly even funnier sans-writers. I'm still with him though on the 'I hope this strike can be resolved soon' deal. I do hope that it comes out good for both sides, because honestly, I'm sick to death of reality shows.

I have enough reality, you know? Like I need someone else's. Much less, some rich person's reality.

What happened to music videos on basic cable? MTV? HA! Vh1 is good for Hulk Hogan, but that's about it. CMT as turned into a Blue Collar Comedy paradise, with a lot less music. I just want good TV. That, or none at all would be even better. This is why we have eBay and YouTube. I swear to God it is.

As I deeply sigh, I admit I need them sleeps, yo. So guh'night.

Rock On, Business God

Did any of you just watch The Apprentice?

Did any of you hear what went down in the first quarter? Holy hell.

Gene Simmons, I know, is a business mogul, but what he did on this show was just simply great. He got on his phone in the middle of the office, and called up all of his rich business mogul friends to buy $5,000 hot dogs.

Great stuff. Really great stuff.

Anyway!

How's everyone's New Year? Ah 2008. Ah a greener earth and a chance for prosperity. What's that I smell? The oil rigs tearing up Alaskan soil? No. Could it be the scent of failure wafting out of Redmond? As common as it may be that's not it either.

AH YES! It's the sound of voting polls being slammed in favor of anyone who's name doesn't include Walker.

Thank you general public. It honors my name that you choose to not keep a comedian in the oval office. As much as I'd be for bringing in Jim Carey... I don't know if I like this guy taking over.

Then again, it's better than this I suppose.

HEY.

GO FOR IT GENE SIMMONS!

Let your tongue guide you - that's a good campaign slogan, eh? You decide.