Now THIS is Boom.

I had a bit of excitement this morning.

No, that isn't my laptop. I thought for a bit that it could be though. So it got me a little concerned.

The Apple Battery Exchange Program did however include my G4 iBook.

Yup.

It also did include the model number of my battery, A1061.

Yup.

One thing though, my serial numbers don't match. So what does this mean Apple? Is it that you only accept certain batteries that may explode, and mine is still one of them? So all I have to do is prepare myself for the day my intestines are blown through my back? Or is it that I really am safe and have nothing to worry about?

Ah well. My fate is in Steve's hands. Is that a good thing?

In lighter news, I'm really enjoying the ease of use in Apple Mail. It's really great stuff. All of my gmail items at the click of a button. I read them, and delete them, and they're still held in my actual gmail account, just in case I need to go back and get something else. I don't know for what reason, but you never know. Lost old passwords to sites that I haven't visited in years. That sort of deal.

Yeah, my mind is still on the explode-a-battery that may or may not be sitting on my knee like a bouncing little bratty kid. If that kid were of course a ticking time bomb waiting for the moment you go to search Kittens in Google Images and come up with something like this.

I bet you thought that it was going to be some sarcastic or oddly humorous photo of a ninja cat fighting a dog or something like that. Nah. I love cats. I swear to God I do.

Great creatures. Just ask any Egyptian you know. They love 'em. You'll hear all about it.

Right On Brother

Everything I do, I don't do for you. I do it for me. Why, you ask? So I can profit off of your curiosity, of course.

I have spent the last 2 days submitting this blog to all of the top blog directories and promotion sites out there. It was a tiring effort, that seemed to be a nonstop lost cause. However, just when your average human would give up, Skippy prevails.

Take a look on the right of my Blog. See that new snazzy section? If you hit the Google ad you've gone too far. Above it.

See?

No, right there.

Yes, there.

Blog directory list. Those are the sites I'm on that gave me a link back button thing. So in the spirit of the season, I humored them and put them on. You can rate me too, you know. You would have gathered that if you had read the section in depth, and may I remind you there is plenty of depth in there.

Well. It was also a chore, but I did it. Apple Mail. I finally set it up on my iBook. Not only do I have a person e-mail address of my own to accept important messages from friends family and loved ones, I also set up gmail so I can get that mail as well. With the click of a button and 10 seconds of my time. As opposed to the 2 clicks and 15 seconds it would take to get to gmail, but still, I'm a busy man.

So. Proceed to flood me with your inquiries of life, love, and the car chase of happiness, and I'll help you out with whatever snag you may have hit on your path to righteousness and free love. In the Hendrix / Beatles sense. Portrayed above.

Have any questions you want answered? Well not only can I answer them, I'll do it publicly. Just drop me a line at the address on the right of the page. Peace brothers and sisters.

This is why I hate Hummers.

This morning. I woke up at 11:30. (Ok, this afternoon.) I was suddenly struck with them hungries.

There's this little corner store. On the corner. I swear to God there is. My idea is to skip breakfast and head to lunch, because I know the people that own it and they're marketing pros. They could make a rich man want a ham sandwich. Someone else in the city apparently had another idea.

I live just below a hill. That leads to a main road in my city. For the life of me, I can't understand why people don't know that when it SNOWS it gets SLIPPERY. Does anyone else on this earth live in a town / city / hickville where when it first snows, everyone suddenly forgets how to drive? Well it's been snowing here for 2 months, and I guess there's just so much of it that no one can ever learn how to drive again. Looks like I'll be trying to avoid things like this for a while.

I go to turn the corner, and what do I see skiing down the hill with brakes locked, but a snow white hummer. Who is behind the wheel but a blinged-out wanna-be hollywood pill popper, jaw dropped and eyes wide. Obviously surprised that his 3 quarter ton SUV has a hard time stopping at high speeds.

So I have a green light. Apparently, there was some mystical error. He had a green light too. In his eyes, he had more green than the garden of eden and the Jolly Giant combined. So naturally, I stopped because I see this dick in an Amtrak barreling down the hill, and I guess he saw me gunning it. He slams the brakes, and this hummer skids sideways through the intersection. He continues down the street at an angle, until the truckbuscar decided it would regain traction. So still at an angle, he starts heading towards that glorious deli that I was going to.

He either hit it or stopped an inch from the door, until he figured out that a Hummer won't fit on the Queens bridge, much less through a few little rocks, and even still a delicatessen's double doors.

Screw that. I turned around, came home, flipped on Orange County Choppers and had a roast beef sandwich. Damn straight. See / hear / know nothing, and you have no worries.

Oh, and if you own a Hummer, do the world a favor.

Flip it, scrap it, and buy a 1960 VW Bus. Wanna keep that pimped out look? Hippie flower decals. See? Problem solved.

Save the tankcars for the deserts of the middle east, not for the trip to your local Wal*Mart.

So I just got back...

from this Christmas party with all the tech folks here in Central New York. It was out in like Herkimer or something, and I almost killed some fox on the way there because it decided that it's walkway was the middle of a highway. If kids have crosswalks, then why don't the freaking animals? Just because they defecate where they please, I'm supposed to believe that they can go where they want when they want and do whatever they want at any time of day? Screw you, woodland creatures. Yes, I'm talking to you because you read this blog.

Anyway. I got chocolate from everyone there. I found that funny. They all know me that well, even if I'm not in that time of the month. Still...

See. Analyze an image relating to that in your mind, and see if you ever get to sleep tonight.

I need to start wrapping fake gifts so I can put them under my fake tree so I can give them to fake people I like. Do I look forward to it? Yes and no. On one hand, I get to spread the pure joy that a human being can only truly experience in the form of a gift from your truly. A small token of my appreciation of their existence, even if they act like total blundering morons 99% of every day of their lives. Gotta love 'em. I swear to God you do. It says so in the Bible. Or the Torah. Or in here.

I will tell you. The Nogasaki is something that should be un-fooled around with. Yes, like that orange juice, the fine Italian wine that can be found in my collection. Powerful crap. I'll tell you that much. If you're not careful it'll knock you on your ass in a minute.

Oh proverbial sigh.

I want to go back on vacation.

Which reminds me, Fake Steve is doing just fine. All that Apple bull - yeah, he's got it under control. Details are on the down low, or whatever they say nowadays. Rest assured, he'll be fine. So don't worry about worrying about my worrying about FSJ. All is well in the faux Apple kingdom, and Dear Leader will let it all blow over in no time.

Well...

Looks like I'm gonna get to gift wrapping. Then I'll be off to sleep so I can wait for this man to crawl down my chimney, and raid my home for no good purpose. He probably just wants to scope the place so Vinny, Vito, and Lenny the Squid can take me out.

Oh man. Nogasaki's taking affect.

Yup. Goodnight.

BAM IT'S SPAM!

Riot at the IGN Holiday Spam Board! Free for all! As Ted Nugent would say.

Amen to that. Back later. Out for some Nogasakis now. Peace holmes.

Alright, so I WAS on a 2 week leave...

...and I know I didn't tell you.

So?

Suck it up. I'm back at the reigns now aren't I? Relax. Papa Skippy is back to guide your lives on the path of righteousness, realization and buying the right Apple products. Speaking of which. Fake Steve Jobs.

Alright.

Whatwhatwhat?

Apparently there are still some people that still spend so much time at their desks that they not only lost that program that they were working on for 2 weeks, they also forgot that they put their sense of humor in the bottom of their coffee cup right next to the old cigarette. Hey, look what they made!

Some people just need to get lives, and jobs. No, not of the Steve variety. Surprisingly. Yes, for the first time in my life, I'm against Apple. This is just... Whoa. It's FSJ. You don't mess with FSJ. That's like internet rule number 2. Aside from enabling keyloggers to track every single thing your kids do online. Screw parental controls. Control your children.

For whatever reason, whatever they may have, Apple wants to tear down FSJ from the blogside out. Apparently they don't like something he said. What? Who the hell knows. They won't say. I guess they're just bored. They say it's specifically 3 of his entries. Which one out of all of them? No idea. It's a guessing game.

Rock on Fake Steve Jobs. As David Bowie would say...

It's the holidays. Can't we wait to sue one another until after everyone gets drunk for New Years? Odds are no one's gonna remember anything anyway, and isn't that the true meaning of this time of year? Wait.

Ok that could have been worded better.

Isn't getting drunk-

Crap.

Drinking-

Crap.

Ok. Forget that. Really. My law enforcement brethren wouldn't like that. I swear to God they wouldn't.

I'll elaborate more about FSJ when I know more. Which should be soon. Come on, I see, hear, and know all. Do you expect me to be kept in the dark about anything? I'm not just another person. It takes someone unique to be on my level. One day you might. With a lot of work and some high flying soulful hallelujahs, you might do it. You never know.

Then there's always the simply pay homage to me method. In which you send my your unwanted unused or broken Apple products. There's always that.

NAMASTE I SAY. Keep FSJ alive. Hear me brothers and sisters. HEAR ME!

Keep Your iPod Warm This Winter.

The iPod Sock. Yes, that's right. Even your iPod would like a christmas sweater this non-denominational holiday season.

As you gather around the non-belief-specific festive shrub on the morning of the birthday of a child somewhere, you'll know that one of your siblings will be hit with a Mack Truck full of wonder and mysteriosness. Mysterioso. Mysteriousa. Oh hell, I mean "child-like wonder", ok Apple? Holy trademarked phrases...

So on this upcoming day of celebration for a religious-specific reason, why not get someone an iPod sock, and perhaps the grill of that big-ass rig will come hurdling into your living room to bestow a radiant glow of joy on the face of those who believe in Jesus, and everyone will be up the creek without so much as a twig.

Oops.

I can't even take my own advice.

Ridiculous, right?

That nog. I swear...

Anyway, I was watching The Office tonight, and I had an epiphany. No I didn't see this man again.

It involves Saki, and Nog. What can I make from this you ask? Nogasaki.

That's right. You read that. Nogasaki.

Saki... and Nog... and I want it.

Another thing I realized I have to see a new film coming out soon, one you may know. Surprised? I know! It's on your level! Walk Hard, my friends. The Dewey Cox story. Anyone notice the fact that it's a parody of Johnny Cash, yet the movie poster is a play on a Doors album cover? I hear ya.

Thought I'd fill you in. I have a killer headache. You can guess it's from whatever the hell is inside that magical carton of wonderment.

Oh. The Mitchell Report. Funny stuff. Maybe the Yankees can go out and buy another 26 championships. Who's gonna step up? I want to see a bigass MYBADSON from some huge airhead that "accidentally" took steroids to bat balls around at 200mph.

Honestly. Just go grab a Monte Carlo off eBay and head to Daytona. You'll be much safer. Try taking mind altering drugs and driving in Nascar. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Just Say No

You have no idea. Honestly.

You kids think you've got it bad, with your worrying that you could get addicted to drugs or something. Let me tell you. Your school teachers don't know jack.

Notice at all how I haven't been around here, or anywhere for that fact in a while?

I'm telling you. It can become a major problem. No, not the drugs or the alcohol. I'm talking about cream colored holiday cheer. The kind of shit that can land you behind bars if you decide to take your fathers deep purple '72 GTO out after a tall cold one. Some of you are thinking, no, this can't happen to me... but yes, it could happen.

You probably think it's funny or something. How can I get hooked on some drink? It's not like Pepsi. When you pour this ice cold brew, you immediately lose sight of everything around you. That could happen, and probably will.

It's unreal. It really is, but let me tell you, it's the real thing. It's strong stuff, no matter what you think, and no matter how much you believe, and no matter how you try to water it down.

Friends, family, apprentices, clansmen...

Stay the hell away from eggnog this holiday season. Think of your kids. Please.

It's Off

The Thorson / Thorton wars are over, AND I WIN!

Victory! Chalk another one up for good ol' Skippy.

That sodding blog is blank. Yup, you heard me. Blank. Like the oval office on Dubbya's birthday.

Yet I don't know why it's void of his previous posts. (Like I miss them or something.)

So wait, is this really over?

Is this his sick method of a sneak attack on me, or my iBook, or my Blog, or my iPod(s)? I'm on to you.

Or is it just that last night was an incredibly weak single attempt at something that he realized this morning he couldn't accomplish, and he thus eliminated his blog? If that's the case, then why is his profile still up, along with his entire layout?

Crap.

I have things to do, places to meet, people to come to me, I can't worry about this.

Oh snap. Someone's calling me on iBook. Via Gizmo Project for Mac. Could be a kickass lead to something big. Gtg, ttyl, bbq, and all that.

It's On

Let's do this.

Do you honestly think you have what it takes to go against me?

You don't know the mess you've just gotten into.

I am the great provider. As stated here in my first post. You can't honestly believe that you can give everyone what they want. That's why they come to me. I know what they want. Who's they? Look around you.

Yeah, that's right. You read that correctly. I assume. Want even further proof?

Owned. So they say these days.

There are some things that can't be replaced or replicated. Wal-Mart, Ramen, the G4 iMac, Mount Dew Pitch Black... Not the second one - that sour shit, you know? That was just rancid.

I'm harder better faster and stronger than you will ever be... and yes, I just stole that from the hit Kanye West song. Why? Well, because it's got the mad phat beats.

You... Wow.

Even Sir Bono couldn't forgive you for that. Not even Michael Eisner. Not even this man.

Do you feel lucky? Do ya? Punk.

Everybody, this sad sack is Joe Thorton, and this what I've warned you about. I hope I've taught you well enough not to listen to those kinds of people. Even if they offer you candy... or free CRT Monitors. Sure our last names sound alike, but there's a reason I have a snow white blog of purity.

Just keep in mind what exactly happened to the flagship white handheld wonders once the black iPod came along. Yeah. Don't let that happen twice. Even the weak such as yourself can resist. Do it for the kids, or whatever inspires you. The PS3 or something. I don't know... Aw crap.

Great, you left the defroster off

Let me be frank. I live in the northeast, and we're all gonna be fucked.

If this is any indication of what is to come this winter, Cupertino is going to be hearing even more of me.

Maybe there's a reason I don't own any Christmas cds. Maybe there's a reason I don't / can't play ice hockey. Perhaps, just maybe, there's some unknown reason why I didn't go outside, cut down a tree that could otherwise provide me with air, bring it inside, decorate it for Jesus, put crap for my family under it, most of which I'll probably never see after December 26th, throw the tree out to the curb when I'm done, and proceed to clean up the mess myself.

Sounds like the meaning of the holidays, doesn't it?

Matt Lauer knows about meaning. Kudos en masse go out to him for defending the Nintendo Wii against buying shares of stock for Christmas on the Today show. What a guy.

Ow.

Oh, I forgot a small detail! I destroyed my wrist in an on-ice experience, and as much as I know you'll miss me, I'll have to take it easy. Doc's orders.

I'll miss you too. Really.

If you see the guys who did this to me, they had bike chains. One had a tire iron. Leather coats on all of them. Something about angels on the back... Festive bastards.

Grab your children, quick. If you have any.

Does your child, cousin, niece, nephew, or anyone you know have a childhood toy named after a religious figure?

If so, then you could be at risk of 40 lashes, prison time, or death.

I'm sorry if that news is shocking or may scare you, but sometimes, truth can be frightening. Ok, I made that last part up about death, but can you honestly say you would have taken that as seriously if that weren't added? Me neither.

Evidently, some teacher-woman, somewhere, (I guess, according to the BBC, the Today show, and here, the New York Post) had a kid in her class who had a stuffed bear. Like most children of, oh, planet earth. You know what I'm getting at. You're probably thinking though, that the bear was named Jesus, or Holy Ghost. Nope.

Muhammad. Mr. Islam himself. The one and only query of the Qur'an.

Sounds like the perfect name for a childhood friend, right? If you were thinking yes, you could be at risk of the above bold statement - minus the death part. Look, I know we're all sue happy, and looking to make a dollar, and if we aren't as politically correct as Hillary Clinton, we just genuinely aren't good people. I never though that the day would come that we really need to worry about if our child's stuffed animal is named Mr Biggelsworth, or Allah...

What's next, an epidemic where it's not even safe to eat spinach?

Wait...

Aw crap.

How to make do

Word.

I just had this deep meaningful discussion with some guy about how, for one reason or another, he didn't know what a homicide was. Then he goes on to tell me that he was once involved in the Philadelphia legal system. There's some good news. No wonder we're all going to hell in a hand basket.

Well. This morning. I had an epiphany. Much like when I thought I was within 2 degrees of Bono on the JobsBlog. However I was let down with that one. No Bono. However, I now feel a connection with the one and only Matt Lauer. That's right. Today show leader, the one next to Al Roker. River Dancing Matt. Yes. Him.

He presented me with some glorious info this morning. No, not to call 1-866-411-SONG when I have a tune in my head I don't know the lyrics to, but instead, how to profit from my online time of posting to this uniquely one of a kind blog of wonder that will one day be the home page to about 1.2 million Americans that find their way to the InterWeb. All I have to do is finally use some of my ins that I have with planet earth, pull some strings here and their, suck back a few Chai Lattes, and watch as the $$ and Bling (so to speak) rolls in.

I will once again turn to my buddies over at the wildly amazing Google, and perhaps the great folks that run my city, and I'll end up employing myself. What do I buy anyway? Hot pockets? Ramen? Pepsi Summer Mix on backorder? Once in a while I splurge and swap the latter out with Coke Blak, but honestly. I don't need to be rich. Just pay a few bills here and there, pick up a 2008 Dodge Challenger next year (in hemi orange) and start buying up all of the G4 Sunflower-esque iMacs that I can find. No luxuries, nothing that I don't absolutely and positively need. Just the important stuff. You understand.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that it all comes out of New York tax dollars. I knew you'd be ok with it.

No money, no iPhone

For some reason I still can't find a job. Nowhere.

This city, is so full of places needing work, and places to spend said cash, that how could I not find work somewhere? Unreal. I can't make donuts for our local officers of the law, I can't make pizzas for our local cheap people, and I also can't even slice deli meats.

I know the knife is sharp, but may I remind you it's attached to a counter.

I can't even stock Wal-Mart trucks. What is that? I'm being shunned by Mr. Sam Walton? The man whom I've been nothing if not loyal to whenever I head off to a store in search of everyday low prices.

Oh, America. Land of the Half-A-Grand-Phone. How I long to operate your touch screen with my tongue. You know Gene Simmons probably thinks of that.

Oh. I'm sorry to report to you all, that Sir Bono on the Fake Steve blog, wasn't even a Fake Bono. As FSJ tells it, it wasn't even him or even still, it wasn't authorized by him. I love Bono as much as the next Irishman, but holy Jesus. Don't be him. There is one Bono. One Oprah, one Tom Cruise, one Dave Thomas, one Bono. Not two, not a mini-Bono, not a Bono-clone, not Bono Jr.

As exciting as a dual-Bono tour may be... Could you imagine that? It's like two Lynyrd Skynyrds going on tour with the same name.

Oops.

Wait. They did that already? Crap.

Mr Africa himself? No not Oprah.

Some big shit is going down in the JobsBlog thanks to the U fucking 2 frontman. (Or someone that desperately wants to be him.) Apparently, Bono (yes, that Bono) is posting (as himself) on the Fake Steve Jobs blog. Now, let me try to figure this out. You would go to a blog that is one giant parody, and try to preach whatever you want as truth? I doesn't work like that.

Still, it's slightly amusing.

His preaching of a Product Red GodPhone has half of the internet abuzz with the glory and braging rights that can only come with owning this handheld piece of history.

Imagine it. Really. Walking by holding a 3.5 inch screen with the ability to watch a cult of high school children drop their jaws to the floor just because you're downloading the remix of A Little Less Conversation directly to a device you shelled out a half a grand for just months earlier while they were asleep in their mothers basement the morning you were in line at your local AT&T store. Unless you were someone like this who happened to oversleep so much that after two days of wetting yourself, you didn't even make it into the store because of the the previous night's encounter with Jim Bean, Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan.

Could this be true? After all, there have been rumors about a Deep Red iPhone being shipped to AT&T sometime before the holidays. I know one person with iPod-Wifi-Phone. I know enough not to go out and buy the Voyager. I know how I want to order my tomato pie - via a touch screen with tons of pretty little touch button things. Why? Well, because I'm an american, and why shouldn't I shell out half a grand for a cell phone?

Double the Fridays?

Wal-Mart is apparently so high and mighty, that they've requested that Black Friday be 2 days long. Meaning Saturday would turn into another Friday.

What?!

Tom Park of Fucillo's Auto Shitplex wants to work his magic too. He's gonna call Friday, Green Friday. Why? Who knows. He doesn't. I don't either. Why not just carry on daily life without trying to change the days of the week just to get off on the "look ma', I played God" feeling. For the life of me, I don't understand.

Wal-Mart, why have you forsaken me? With your mothering employees, high quality products, and every day low prices, all I have to ask you is why? Can't we maybe think of something more important, like the task at hand? Which would be to sell as many Wal-Mart brand deli meats and baked goods as possible.

I'm going to be off on holiday for the Thanksgiving weekend. Thursday is my tryptophan binge, Friday is the day in which I get to wake up at 3 am to go shopping and leagally deck anyone who steps in my path regardless of race, sex or age. Pray to whatever God you see fancy that your first grader doesn't try to snatch up a Taylor Swift cd that happens to be right in my way of Garth Brooks, because so help me, I will roundhouse kick their head from their shoulders.

On that note, enjoy your holiday, and I'll see you bright and early in electronics on Friday! In advance, if I accidentally deck you, keep in mind I know Louis T Brindisi personally, and I'll claim whiplash as I sit in court in my red Budweiser #8 Hoveround.

God's speed to you and yours.

Holy Tired

I was so busy last night, you just couldn't believe it.

No not like that. Sometimes I think a lot of people need enemas to find their heads again.

So many people come to me for help, and it's ok. I don't mind it. I'm honored that in your time of idiocy you think of coming to me in your brief moment of glimmering bumbling brilliance. Please though, don't do it at any time after 10:30 pm. That's just disgusting. That's my time to sleep, relax, regain my composure and make sure I know who and where I am at all times.

It's now just 12 hours past that time, and we have a problem. I need like, 23 hours of sleep per day to function. I normally only get 6. Most people waste a third of their life sleeping. I only waste 25%. It makes me think of wasting more, and how nice that sounds.

Wasn't sleeping proved dangerous in a recent case study or some bullshit like that?

Sort of like on the Today show where I was raped. Audibly. Unwanted information was thrust forth into my ears. Crap that I didn't care about for once. It was something about if we stuff our faces at Thanksgiving with the average 5000 calories that each American consumes, we're more likely to die a tragic horrible gravy-induced death than say those across the pond that have Scones and Breakfast Tea.

I don't know. I think I'm going to be off to sleep. Or something. Sometime. Word holmes. Keep it real. Whatever those kids say nowadays.

Holy Crap

I never realized how much I liked Apple computers. I own an iBook G4, and it's amazing, I own two iPods, which are also amazing. I've also gone as far as making my XP look like OS 10.4, until it died that is. (Doing that to Vista would be pointless.) Some things just can't handle such superiority.

My friends, I never realized what an amazing work of art that the iMac G4 was. Can you see that picture?

Apparently a local elementary school was just handing out Apple computers. No idea why. The three music teachers at our local high school ended up getting eMacs. In addition, one of them got that iMac. Upon seeing it, I was once again blasted by child-like wonder. It was inspired by a sunflower. What else do you need?

Steve Jobs. You have a way with silicon. Not in the Dr. 90210 way though. In the tech-artist sort of way. Great stuff. Maybe outdated by 2 models, but who cares?

I want one.

Wow. Not the Vista wow either. The holy crap I want one wow.

Feel free to send me one. Complete with Pro Keyboard and Mighty Mouse.

See what I mean?

Even the heads at NBC are listening to Skippy Thorson. For good reason. The Brian Williams episode of SNL was brought back for tonight.

Oh, yeah, and it's on now. See? So do you believe me? I am the power. Gotta love it.

Thanks NBC. I owe you one. Really I do. I just put it in iCal. (December 25th NBC - Owe them one) It may be something like a select few of the big wigs receiving a limited edition Skippy Thorson Travel Mug.

Maybe like a bumper sticker? Not sure yet. Possibly a Pyramid Gift Certificate only redeemable at Sangertown Mall in New Hartford New York.

That sounded too much like an advertisement. Plus that place sucks. I won't waste your time. Travel mugs it is. You're welcome.

I just remembered...

SNL not only got the "bring back brian" idea from this blog entry, they also used this picture from this entry for their introductions... I'm honored for it though. I am. Someone recognized me. Took long enough. So thanks again NBC. Travel mugs are on the way.

Amen

You know you've hit it big when your blog is the result that comes up when you type in my name on Google, and hit that glorious "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. You also confirm it further when my blog is #1 on their search of me. For that, I offer Google an Amen.

Go on. Do it. Just a test. I was amused, I'm sure you will be too. Think of it as my spontaneous afternoon gift to you, because you're all so deserving. Really. You are. As far as I know anyhow...

Just take it while it's there for the taking. Who knows how many people are going to try and copy or even be me in some online forum. I may even be kicked off Google's top spot on their normal search thanks to some kid out in the middle of NYC that has nothing else better to do than try and be someone else.

Who am I kidding, the folks at Google wouldn't do that to me. They love me there, tell me I get them through the day. Can't say I blame them. Look at all I have to offer! How could you not want some of this?

Not the brightest knife in the shed

Some people just have know idea what they want to do with their lives. Some want to be officers of the law, others just want to be me. While the second is impossible, there are other things you can strive for in your life. Just don't expect too much. The more you expect, the harder you're let down when you fail miserably and then blame yourself, which you rightly should.

That's ok. I forgive you though.

Anyway, the Interweb can be an interesting place. Yes, I know. A lot of people can't be trusted. Like the ones that lie about themselves and half of the crap they do, or then there are those that have no lives so they make an online alter-ego for some unknown sick reason, or there are even people that use the internet just so they can hope to meet 14 year old kids, but that's why we have this man to keep us all safe.

There are however those like me. The elite. The higher mind. The power. Then there are some that don't get that. When I tell you not to touch the hot stove, that means if I see you near it, I'm going to beat you with copper electrical wire. Are we clear?

I just figured this would be the opportune time to let you know where I stand. Why did I bring this up just now? Come on, you can't guess? What else is the basis to everything I ever do? No, surprisingly not Steve Jobs. Close.

Apple Inc. That's what. Ok, and Steve Jobs. Come on though, have you ever talked to the man? Pure genius. David Pogue knows what I'm talking about. By the way, yeah, he's right up there on the Jobsian level.

Now, when I tell you that Apple Computers are great and amazing and the shit and all that hip jive talk, do you think I'm feeding you bull, or joking? Do I joke? I don't joke. If you think I am, then you're funnier than you know. I thought I liked Vista. Then I knew that I didn't. See? Simple as that.

My point tis evening kids, believe what I say. Don't go against someone when it involves something you have no comprehension of.

There's not a whole hell of a lot of forgiveness I can offer for that. Idiocy is worth about 72 cents. Which won't get you a McDonald's Snack Wrap. Which means that you must have just hit rock bottom in new levels of low. Look on the bright side. If you were a goldfish, none of that would matter.

See, you'll be fine.

If you don't fail.

So don't do it.

Fail.

As in don't fail.

Even though you probably will.

Spreading the iPod Love

This is how planet earth is. You know you're a genius when you can have groups of your friends want an iPod after telling them day in and day out about how great they are and how much better they're lives would be if they had one. I've gotten 2 people to directly go out and buy iPod Nanos. One tricks his out with any glorious accessory that fits his love child, and the other went out to the Apple Store just to get the Product Red version. Now, someone else wants the new 3rd gen Nano. The love spreads. I told you all the 60's would be right back!

Now it's not even stopping there. My business partner Joe has an iPhone. Fucking loves the thing. He gives free demos when anyone asks about it like he works for Apple already. Which, ok, we basically do, Steve Jobs just doesn't know it yet. You see, he now has 2 other people planning on buying it in the near future, and dozens upon dozens of others that can only drool over it... because I guess they can't even use iTunes with their VistaBoxes. Go figure. Thanks to Gizmodo warning all of those I haven't reached yet through my extensive grasp. Reason #2 why I don't own an iBrick, #1 being that I used iTunes to sync to my iPod only once. So I could update it. Finally.

Oh, yes, details you ask? Sure. It's a 30 gb 5.5 gen. Oh, and yes, it's snow white.

What does Vistard do for me instead, to ease my frustrations? It tells me I can no longer watch Pirates of Silicon Valley on my snow white iPod, because the file wasn't... I don't even know. It wasn't perfect I guess. A bit picky aren't we Mr. Gates? My question of the week. Will Vista ever get out of it's seemingly permanent beta stage?

I can't wait to claim former Vista user status.

Back In Action

Well, you see... I've been off busy for this past week. Business trips. Horrible things. Don't trust flight attendants either. Those little bags of lightly salted slightly toasted delightfully roasted peanuts... suck. Big time. I'm talking more than Edward Hanna in Mayoral office.

You know what's hard? Going to school, and raising a city. I'll tell you that much. I have to get out, and see all those wonderful folks on the campaign trail for things like Mayor... and who cares what else. Upside I get to see people like this who entirely amuse me and ultimately make my day much brighter than it would have been previously, due to the rays of the Utica sun bouncing off of the forehead of politics. Or Tim Julian. Whatever.

I have noticed one thing. No, not that I'm feeling oddly political today, but that for some reason, people outside the city feel the compulsive urge to comment on issues in my city. Yes. My. Fucking. Everloving. City. I don't get it. I don't. What the hell is wrong with them. How dare they comment on my city. It's perfect as is. Minus the imperfections.

So what if I'm surrounded by people who don't speak my language? It's entertaining when they ask for something and suddenly and miraculously know every word in the Oxford Dictionary. Oxford, because it contains British headword spelling, and everyone loves and embraces British headword spelling.

It's that sort of thing that makes me love me. That you don't know something I do. It's amusing you see. I'm bigger badder better and smarter, all because you're not! It's spectacular!

So in my short but lovely summary of my passing week's events, screw Hanna, screw Julian, go David Roefaro, and finallly, if you don't live in my city, don't comment on issues relation to it. Don't spread your shit if you can't take the smell.

Good day!

A lot less conversation

So I'm listening to some classic songs from The King. Not this one, but this one.

For some reason, and I don't know why, it hit me, and I figured that since I'm sitting at my iBook returing some very important tech emails that I would take some time out to do a little blogging. Yes, at 1 am. I'm devoted to my customers, what can I say.

I demand that Brian Williams returns monthly to host Saturday Night Live. I said demand. Yes. Demand.

What did this have to do with Elvis? Nothing. Absolutely nothing, but then again... It's fuggin 1 am. Which is why I'm now going to sleep, so you can catch me at my peak later. As normal. So normal, that basically every day is a peak. Except at 1 am.

Whoops, Wrong iPod

Back in the day, maybe a couple months ago, my local Key Bank had some promotion where you open some account and get a free iPod Nano. Unlike FSJ, not just a free fake iPod Nano in the mail, this is a real live iPod Nano.

I'm all for it. I like free things. I live off free things. Air, water fountains, organic veggie burgers... You know, the usual. Well, I see this ad for a Nano. See that Nano? I did too, that's why I went for it. It's a Nano. Well, over the course of an evening, setting up the account took over 2 hours. Turns out that not everything was done yet. That's ok. I go back. Another hour long visit.

Unlike most bank tellers, this woman knew things. Too bad she was still using an old IBM. Why is it all businesses use old IBM computers? It seems like they do. I don't get it. Circuit City, Best Buy, Target, Microsoft... I'm going to drop to the ground and foam from the mouth the next time I get a receipt handed to me that's been printed off an IBM. I swear to god I will.

I waited for this iPod like any other proud self-appointed member of the Apple Faithful. It came today.

I was slapped in the face with 17 tons of childlike wonder. This thing is so amazingly glorious that I can't even put it into words. Go to your local Apple store and hold it. Imagine it's yours. Yeah, that's the feeling. You feel it yet? Show it the love. You heard me. Love it a little. Make it yours before you have to put it down and walk away like you're at an AA meeting. Word.

It's simply amazing. It's everything I imagined and 3 times that even. Maybe even more. Wait, yeah, much more. Steve, you really are iCon. Thank you.

Thank you for announcing the new iPods right around the time of this promotion, and thank you key bank for ordering the new Nanos instead of getting old refurbished Minis or something.

I'm off to wield the power of dual iPods. That's right. Force to be reckoned with.

Oh, and yes, the Nano is formatted to Macintosh through iBook. Believe it.

Lack of Traffic

Alright, I'm not doing this for my health. I expect to see people's comments and praise for my work just as I had envisioned after my trip down a flight of stairs. I'm listening to Elvis 30 #1s, and staring at a snow white eMac, with my iBook off to the side, and I'm beginning to wonder where all you aHoles are out on the Interwebz...

I said to myself, "Self... do this for the good of the community, and there's no doubt that you will be showered with much appreciation and affection from the general public, of which you both don't know but know everything about". Fair enough I thought.

Obviously, you've all been off performing your sick boring day in / day out / day old jobs, and not enjoying life as you would if you were sitting at your badass Windows XP machines reading my all powerful blog. That's ok though, I understand. You want Vista. You want 'The Wow', and you want it to 'Start Now'... Let me know which version and I'll let Billy Gates hear your prayers. I can't get you Ultimate though... The folks at Redmond say that the Ultimate Vista would give me too much power and I may ultimately overthrow the leaders at Wal*Mart and turn it into a dark empire or something...

No but seriously, we're hiring for the holiday season. Please send me your applications, social security numbers, substantial amounts of money and / or small children capable of heavy lifting, and I will be sure to get back to you. E-Mail address is provided, um, somewhere. Well it's Skippy.Thorson at-so spammers don't rape my inbox-gmail.com... Seriously, hit me up holmes. We'll spread the love and all that crap like it's the 60's again.

Come on poor, donate to the rich

I've heard about some way to to donate to all of those people that have lost their homes or had to endure hardship due to the California wildfires... all those rich people that lost crap.

Kiss my ass rich people.

I have to say one thing. You basically just got served. You people whine and bitch about deforestation, and then turn right around and build a 6.2 million dollar 34 acre mansion on what used to be protected wetlands until you got the protection lifted because you know the Governator, then you get a priest to come bless your house, so you can look forward to a weekend of shopping for those seal skin boots you've been longing for.

Hypocrites.

I like Green Day as much as the next guy, but partnering with NRDC is a waste of time, just as much as the Greenpeace parody of Apple.com. Five people try to get things done, and five hundred go against it and hunt bald eagles to stuff for their children. One difference through, no one cares about Greenpeace, probably because they're iFailures, therefore they iLose. iWhoops.

Image and story here at BBC News.

Awakenings: VistaBox

So, yesterday, not only did I end up getting my Vista powered HP to well, come alive, I learned that Vista (so far) isn't the crackpot OS that it's made out to be. I found myself getting lost in the realm of Windows. I was more productive in the course of 4 hours last night with Vista than I was the entire first week I started with XP.

From 1999 to June of last year, I had been living with Windows 98 on an IBM machine, with my condolences going out to Steve Jobs for my actions. I then jumped right into the new land of the Windows eXPerience. So much for that. It was a Gateway. When will people learn. Make something perfect or dont make it at all. To quote one of my favorite education packed PS2 games, "if you can't take the heat, get out of the nuclear reactor."

Fuck 'em. I went on ebay and picked up a G4 Apple iBook. I've yet to have any problems with my year and a half old used laptop, yet a brand new Gateway fries the motherboard and takes the processor down with it. Yeah, I know, computers suck, and blah, blah, blah... Whatev's home slice.

I get this HP. It has Vistard. Ok. I can live with that. If you don't hold the Windows and E keys, you shouldn't have any problems. Oh, and AIM put a color change feature in so that you can blend it's windows in with the Vista black and blue theme. Another feature I liked from AIM, is that it locks to the side of the screen - and it blocks out Yahoo Widgets, I mean "Gadgets" very nicely.

It's good stuff once it actually starts up. I have one gripe though, and I send this with sweaty fat ass love to Mr Billy Gates.

The next time you tackle a new operating system, try to copy OS X a little better. You missed a few things.

Weekend Over, Back to Work

So this was my weekend in a nutshell. Friday evening I stayed in and watched some high quality television shopping. My fellow humanites, that is a relaxing time. Sit back on your reclining couch and suck back a bottle of Pepsi Summer Mix that you found still lingering around your local Walmart, and you have no worries. Let the nieghborhood kids rip up your begonias. Who cares. You're an American.

I followed that up on Saturday with a supposedly hellistic ritualistic tradition that involves turning a harmless orange vegetable into an evil glowing child of the night. Why? Well, it's because I'm full of fucking seasonal spirit, that's why, and if anyone tries to tell me I'm not, I'll back it up by building you a haunted house out in some old barn in the boonies. I'll get Charles Manson to come up and play the Wolfman. I swear to god I will.

Sunday I got up to a glorious day, knowing that soon I would be going to the Apple Store in my nearby Carousel Mall, and I would be coming home with a new Hewlett-Packard tower, naturally joined with the new excting Windows Vista. (Go figure.) they keep their Apple Stores clean and polished. Upon closing time, I discovered that all of the iEmployees wipe down everything in the store. Nice. That is the way to be. No one wants a 30 inch cinema display with dust on it. I want it prestine, and they knew that. Great bunch of upper class folks.

My VistaBox is sitting in my living room. I'll let you in on The Wow when I get it optimized for an additional fee. Word. Peace out holmes.

To Be Skippy Thorson

Let's be honest with ourselves, after all, this is a place where the true inner being comes out in all of us. It's about who you are now and who you one day could be. I am Skippy Thorson, and I am me. If you ever find yourself between a rock and a hard place, I suggest you leave the Grand Canon, and come here, to me. I know what a human being needs, and I can be the great provider. Perhaps not as great as Bono, but close.

I am the greatest Nascar driver online that you will ever see. Whether it's the winding road course of Watkins glen or going 200mph at Talladega. I will shut you down. Ricky Bobby is nothing to me. I know what it takes to be a winner, I swear to god I do. See here. Maybe you can learn something from me.

Soon I shall change your life. This is more than racing cars and a pack of suds. I can teach you what you've all been wanting to learn. How to live.